Out of the mouths of babes...

As most of you know, I have some really great friends with some pretty awesome kids and lately, with the arrival of Kamiyah, some pretty adorable things have been said (and sung) to and about her.

A few weeks ago, my buddy Byron said, "Kee-my-uh has a purple paci..... and two feet!" And then just the other day, after we went swimming he sang "Kamiyah my lord" to the tune of Kumbiyah over and over and over. This kid just cracks me up :D

Then yesterday Isaac decided to put his whole family of dolls in their toy car and he said that his mom, his dad, his sister, him AND Kamiyah were all in the car and ready to go.. Check out the picture below. Do you see Kamiyah sitting next to her best friend Karrin? I could not stop laughing :P

Whatever happened to Steve and I?!?

You Are My I Love You.... As Read to Kamiyah.

I love reading to Kamiyah and this was the first book I read to her from my collection from when I was a kid... I hope you enjoy it as much as Kamiyah did...

I am your parent 
      you are my child
I am your quiet place, 
      you are my wild
I am your calm face, 
      you are my giggle
I am your wait, 
      you are my wiggle
I am your audience, 
      you are my clown
I am your London Bridge, 
      you are my falling down
I am your Carrot Sticks, 
      you are my licorice
I am your dandelion, 
      you are my first wish
I am your water wings, 
      you are my deep
I am your open arms, 
      you are my running leap
I am your way home, 
      you are my new path
I am your dry towel, 
      you are my wet bath
I am your dinner 
      you are my chocolate cake
I am your bedtime, 
      you are my wide awake
I am your finish line, 
      you are my race
I am your praying hands, 
      you are my saving grace
I am your favourite book, 
      you are my new lines
I am your nightlight, 
      you are my sunshine
I am your lullaby, 
      you are my peek-a-boo
I am your kiss goodnight, 
      you are my I love you

~Maryann K Cusimano

News from the Griddle...

Kamiyah is getting to be quite the little lady! She is scheduled for surgery to fix her breathing issues and also to repair her eyelid. We will be traveling to Minnesota in July to get her eye taken care of.

On a sad note, our Poodle (Lily) finished her job here on earth and is now gone to take care of Bakannah and Isaiah.  She waited until we got on our feet with Kamiyah and when she realized we had a handle on it she went to lick our other children.  The 'one lick' rule no longer applies to her and she has steak for breakfast, lunch, and dinner and never gets sick.  We will see her again, just not today.

The Two Tunes of a Baby Girl...

We spent years in the waiting room of an infertility clinic and often we would hear over the intercom a song that symbolized the birth of a baby.. Now, if you dare, imagine how heart wrenching this was to a couple who had no hopes for a child of their own.  Steve and I always imagined that there must be a big red button in the delivery room and we always wanted to hit that button when it was our turn for a blessing.  Well, needless to say our turn came on the 18th of April at 2:47am.. My labor was short and my delivery was drug free.  Just how we had always imagined. When we arrived at the post partum floor I said to my mom, "did they play the song?" the nurses said, "what song?" I said "the new baby song?!?" Needless to say, I told them the above story and they played the song twice. I waited 8 years for that song and my special little girl got it twice for good measure.

We had NO CLUE how truly beautiful our baby would be and how she would change our lives for the better.  Kamiyah Dawn is more than we could have ever asked for.

Such a BIG miracle in such a little girl...

Just Waiting...

The last nine months has flown by so fast that it seems like yesterday I found out I was pregnant with a baby that was said to never be possible.  We continued through the pregnancy with quite a few scares, a bunch of positives, and a few moments of sheer disbelief.  Is this little girl really ours or are we going to wake up soon and realize it was just a dream?!?

Well, ladies and gentlemen, she really is ours and we have woken up quite a few times to prove it. Between her kidney, size, my uterine repair, and her umbilical cord issues the doctor said we would be lucky to get to 35 weeks.  Yet here we sit at 39 weeks and 3 days waiting to meet her.  I know her name, I have a gut wrenching feeling she looks like her papa, and I realize she probably has my attitude (eeep) but yet I still want to see what color her eyes are. How soft her hair is, is it really really curly or is it straight and will change later?  I wanna hear what her voice sounds like, smell her baby toes, and kiss her chunky cheeks.  Am I asking too much again?

The nursery is finished, her car seat is in place, our bags for the hospital are packed, her diaper bag is sitting by the door ready to go, our parrot is at her birdie friends house and my mom and doula are on call waiting to welcome this little lady into the world. For some reason, however, our poodle thinks she is getting replaced, not true, but she is very worried just the same.

We are ready! My body is done being a human incubator and we are simply just waiting...

Come on Baby Pancake, come out and play with your friends/family Karrin and Liam, they have come to the conclusion that it is not so bad out here...

Impossibility..

You know as I sit here and look back at the last nine months it has been nothing short of miraculous and amazing.  From the day we found out about this little girl we call Pancake our world has been changed for the better by the moment.

While I was struggling with infertility there were 4 women who were there for me through the hardest of decisions and have been there through the greatest of moments. I would like to give a BIG thanks to my BZ ladies Jessie, Lorie, Eileen, and Tami... Today, however I was visited by Jessie and her absolutley gorgeous family.  I was given the gift of not only their presence but a book that contained a quote that pretty much wraps up the greatness of this little girl.

"When God is about to do something great, He starts with a difficulty. When He is about to do something truly magnificent, He starts with an impossibility."
                                                                                ~Armin Gesswein

To think, the doctors told us Pancake was an impossibility. Yet, we find out she is nothing short of magnificent.

National Pancake Day...

Well, needless to say, today was awesome.  Baby Pancake had an NST and she slept through the whole thing but she did fine just the same.  We joined some friends for dinner and had some pretty amazing laughs.  As I laid in bed I thought back to all of the years that I had dreamt we would have a baby and what it would feel like to have her in my tummy.  As much as I want my body back I will miss getting to keep her for myself.  I will miss walking around Hobby Lobby aimlessly talking to her and looking like I am talking to myself.  I will miss pushing her baby butt cheeks out of my ribs so I can sit through class and breathe at the same time. I will also miss having an excuse to eat weird things and not get any gruff about it.

Pancake slept most of today away.  She did, however, wake up to let us know that even though she was busy growing, THIS day was still hers.

Take a Moment to Stop and Lick the Beaters...

Whenever I go to make a pineapple upside-down cake one living being in my house becomes the most excited.  Steve is happy because he knows the smell of the cake will  make our home smell awesome. Lily is tickled because she hopes we will accidentally drop crumbs. I enjoy this particular cake because it reminds me of being a kid. Mango, however, surpasses all of us. She makes this certain clucking noise and dances on the counter for 4 reasons: 1) she knows she will get to taste the pineapple juice when all the pineapples have been used  2) she predicts when the cherries are gone she will get a swallow of that juice  3) she understands that she gets to sit on my shoulder and imitate the noise coming from the mixer  4) when all the ingredients have been well blended and the cake is in the oven she knows, beyond a shadow of a doubt, that she gets to lick the beaters...

The happy noises that a bird makes should remind the rest of us to back up, chill out, and enjoy the small things in life... even if the small things are taking a moment to stop and lick the beaters.

A Baby Shower and I am going to miss her...

My baby shower was quite a blessing.  Many many people came out and showed their support and it was a really good time.  Baby Pancake is a lucky lady and the funny thing is she has no clue.

We went to the doctor and she is almost 3lbs!! Pretty soon she will surpass the Lily dog in weight... poor poodle pants.

I have been crying a lot lately because I am going to miss feeling her wiggle and kick after I have her.  I am, however, excited to get my body back and get back to Zumba.

Steve and I have been working with her room and have gotten everything in its proper place.. it is amazing that she is a reality and will be here before we know it!

An update on Baby Pancake...

This little lady has quite the personality! If the belly growing in front of me is not proof enough, her attitude surely shows that she is mine.. :)

I have been watched very closely by a high risk perinatologist and wiggle pants evidently wears a size XXS.  She is not growing like the other babies and is falling behind quickly.  If she does not make progress, they are threatening to deliver her early and this is scaring us a lot because we want her to have the best start she possibly can.

On a lighter note, we have been going to "working out for two classes" and "aqua zumba" and both are helping me keep up my energy levels and reduce quite a few of the other pregnancy symptoms people seem to suffer from.

We are preparing for the baby shower and are super super excited. I have suffered through many baby showers for friends and family members knowing that our kids were not alive and that our prospects for future children was bleak.  I brought gifts, cried in the baby aisles at the store, cried internally and sometimes externally once arriving to the party.  I will probably cry at our as well but not in sadness but rather tears of joy and disbelief that it is finally our turn for a little one.

We have been plugging away at the nursery and my friend Katie and I painted the letters for her room! However we will not be hanging them until she is born because we do not want any accidents of what her name is to leak into the public.

Funny how the letters "AKA" are in the name Pancake... Perhaps she will have to keep the name?

Pregnancy brain and other random things....

I have heard of pregnancy brain but I had NO clue how badly it can mess a person up.  I am slower to respond, I forget where I am going and what I am doing, I trip over my own feet (literally), I sniff things (more than once) that should not be smelled let alone repeatedly, and I walk into movies that are half way over and then cannot figure out why the movie was of poor quality and had no previews until 24 hours later. Ridiculous.

On a different note, I was in Zumba today, wearing my new clothes, and a lady walked up to me and said, "did you swallow a basketball?!?" and in response I said, "yep, you should try it they are delicious..mmm, orange rubber." Another lady said, "it is so nice to see your belly."  It feels so good knowing that other people can tell I am pregnant and not just chubby...

I have gotten so much accomplished over this Christmas break and I am feeling really good about it. I got my car fixed ($890), I got Pancakes medical bills dealt with and straightened out, cleaned my house, washed the car, looked at shelving units for the nursery, bought some maternity clothes, and spent time with my friends.

I joined a "Working out for Two" class and I think it is the best thing since sliced bread. The water takes the pressure off of my bladder and makes my joints feel so good, all while exercising!! Baby Pancake liked it too because she spent most of her time practicing her back stroke in my tummy...

Goofy little girl. *she gets it from her father* :~}

21 weeks and 3 days....

Wow!! It has been crazy how time has flown by.  We saw Baby Pancake today and she never ceases to amaze us.  She is super healthy and very mischievous.  After 17 times of repositioning the doppler and 4 reapplications of gel, the little turkey held still for 2 minutes of heart tones and then she dove away from the doppler and the poor tech gave up. The tech said, "you guys are in for the long haul.." and in response we said, "we cannot wait!!"

I have had A LOT of trouble with my bladder and back and my husband has been dealing with everything so well. I told him the other day how sorry I was that he had to put up with this and he said in reply, "I did not marry your bladder I married you for you."

I feel so blessed to get to be with my husband and even more blessed that I get to carry our daughter.

Below is a picture of her wearing herself out to the point of a big yawn and then she continued on with her stunts to make the ultrasound tech run for her money... Not going to lie, I was snickering inside... he he he :)

Now if only school were out I could start joining in on the Christmas festivities...

How today was so amazing...

I finally got to feel the baby moving! We went in for them to run the doppler and find the heartbeat and Pancake decided to do somersaults and throw a few kicks and punches.  We were laughing so hard that the tech could barely focus.  Pancake loves to wiggle!

The next great thing was that I went back to Zumba and it sparked the fire in me that I thought was starting to dwindle.  I am so ecstatic to be a part of a class that has three pregnant ladies and a pregnant instructor!! God knew what he was doing when he was making us wait. He was thinking, "I know you want a child but I bet you would enjoy it that much more if you got to share it with your best friend AND Zumba instructor." It is crazy how God knows me better than I could EVER know myself.

I am excited for this week because we have a baby shower to go to (which I used to dread), we have a second trimester pregnancy class, and then this weekend we have the Marriage Conference that effects and saves so many marriages and I just love to watch God save what I believe is most important and sacred in life. 

Then on Sunday it is my 26th birthday! I will be celebrating with my wonderful husband and then the next morning we find out what our baby's sex is.  My grandmother and I will be baking a cake and then on tuesday we have Pancakes "coming out" party.  This week is nothing short of 100% fantastic.

Nothing makes me happier than getting to share my life with the people around me.  I am sure that is why God has placed so many amazing people in our lives and continues to bless us with what we need instead of what we want.

Maternity Pants and a Grandpa for Pancake...

Maternity Pants

I would like to yack about what I think of maternity pants.  I LOVE them.  They are comfortable and easy to get on and off 500 times a day especially when your baby is sitting and jumping on your bladder. When you go to The Motherhood Maternity store however they must know I like them because they crank the price up on them. $80 for a pair of pants you are going to where for 6 months at the most? I think not.  I ended up at Kohls and got a pair of "Oh Baby" maternity pants for $32 (still ridiculous if you ask me).  I am desperate, however, and the maternity industry knows you will eventually cave and pay the outlandish price simply because streaking is not socially appropriate, or comfortable in 20 degree weather. Awesome.

 A Grandpa for Pancake

Where can I find one? One that will make him/her dress up as a penguin and march in the parade at Christmas time? One that gives them useless trinkets and teaches them how to fake something is nice even though it will be add to the landfill once grandpa is no longer in the field of vision? Or maybe one that charges a quarter to play with his belly button.  One that if you get to close while he is sleeping will make a funny noise and kiss you because he knew you were coming.  These are all of the things I had and I wish Pancake would get to experience these things too.  A grandpa that will fix everything and never buy it new.  A papa who will take you out on the boat and teach you how to hang on for dear life to the innertube he is pulling behind the boat at ridiculous speeds.  How about one that will love his/her grandma until the end of time.  Or one that you know good and well you walk like, and look like when you are sleeping.  Or a grandma that is dedicated to making many memories while we still have the chance. Who shows up to every concert, ball game, and event you can imagine even if they were just released from the hospital hours before.  A gramma that mails Christmas cookies in a cake box wrapped in moving tape just so you had a taste of  home even if you were not going to be there. Or makes sure your penguin suit was covered in lights so you would not get hit by cars in the dark when you were trailing behind grandpa.  How about a house that would make you smell like cake even if it was not being baked when you were there?

Am I asking too much? Perhaps I had all of these things because I was truly blessed.  Thanks Grandma and Grandpa for giving me something to tell Pancake about and show him/her how wonderful life truly can be.

A change in the trunk of my car...

I have never used the trunk of my car for things like groceries or big shopping sprees.  I always used the back seat for everything, including my school bag and daily things people drag with them.  Why you ask? Because my wheelchair took up all of the space.  I used it for school,  Lifelight, Wal-mart, grocery shopping, etc.. pretty much ANY place that required a bit of walking.  I needed it for my hip dysplaysia and because my hips could not carry all that excess weight.  When I lost 100lbs I ditched the wheelchair altogether, put it in my storage closet and presently we pile our camping gear on top of it.  I did use my trunk this summer for things like camping and of course my Zumba bag.  However, I will not have space in my trunk again. This time, however, it will be because we have traded the wheelchair for a stroller.  Something I have ALWAYS dreamed of doing and now it is a reality. 

I cannot believe I started out weighing 300lbs and sitting in a wheelchair and have gone to 126lbs walking with a stroller.

I do concur that the stroller will still leave a little free space in my trunk, perhaps enough room for my Zumba bag. :D

My entire life is different and, as hard as the journey was, I would not trade any of it for anything.

The flip side...

I went to my ultrasound and because of what we went through in the past we have agreed to NEVER talk about Pancake in the waiting room, hallways, or elevators.  You never know what someone else is going through so it is just best to keep quiet. I am glad that we had this wisdom because, as we were waiting for our turn to catch another glimpse of our jumpy little pancake, a lady came out of the ultrasound room balling.  My mom just looked at me and I looked at Steve and we all just knew that her WHOLE world was upside down.  We thought her baby had died, but we were wrong.  Her baby's intestines and bladder are on the outside of it's body and inside out.  It is called the OEIS complex.  I follow a blog of a couple that have a little boy with this condition and it is rough.  The ladies husband was as white as a sheet.  My heart just sunk into my stomach because here we are with our healthy baby and there they are with bad news.  I wished there was a way I could have comforted her but the only thing I could do was compliment her on her fingernails and strike up pointless conversation. 

I am so grateful that our baby is healthy and that God has given us the wisdom to be quiet when someone else is in pain.  The only thing talking about Pancake would have done was slammed the dagger into her heart further.  I have been praying for her and her family and I do not even know them.

So this is what it feels like to be on the flip side?!? 

By the way Pancake is now 12 weeks along... it is weird to be passed the scary part and know that our baby is doing well.

I would like to discuss chocolate....

I am officially eleven weeks and 2 days pregnant and am only five days away from my first trimester being completely finished!!

That being said I have a new found problem with chocolate.  Chocolate has never been one of those things were I would be like eww gross give me something different anything BUT chocolate.  If, however, there was something lemon I would probably choose it over something chocolate hands down.  Pancake has however decided that chocolate is ridiculously decadent and must be eaten if in the line of vision.  This problem came to my awareness when chocolate chip muffins were brought to my interpreting class and I had already eaten breakfast so I took one and saved it for later.  I am usually one to say I am not hungry and let it sit.  No no no, not this time, I carefully wrapped it in napkins and put it in my lunch pail so that I could indulge in it later.  I even went as far as to tell my husband when he got in my car, "do NOT touch my lunch box or you will squish my muffin.. and pancake will go Kung Fu baby on you."  This is a problem, I am highly concerned about how much weight I will gain in this pregnancy and chocolate is going to be the death of me.  I would like to say I did cut that muffin in half and ate on two different days, but still I am worried this could cause trouble.

It sure is a good thing I got the "okay" to go back to ZUMBA this week because you never know where chocolate may become available.  :~)

And as a side note if you did not get to see the video of pancake on facebook you are more than welcome to click here... one of the voices in the background was my momma as she got the opportunity to join us and witness this miracle.

It is the little things that matter the most...

I have gone back to Augustana for classes and it has been a REALLY great distraction and is helping time fly by.  However, because of my iron deficiency and Pancake wearing me out, I have found that all the little things that people do for me make such a MASSIVE difference in my daily routine.

For example, one of my teachers pretended that my squash was hers and heated it up in the teachers lounge for me. Totally awesome! My other teachers have been supportive as well.  My husband brings me water when I am spending time tossing cookies in the middle of the night and has done more than his fair share of the chores and babysitting of friends children.  I am not so sure all of the above things would have been so utterly fantastic if it were not for the fact that I truly needed the help. 

I sure hope my friends and family know how much they mean to me and how great they honestly are... I am glad all of these people will get to be a part a of pancakes life :D

 

Why everything does NOT happen FOR a reason...

God does not have things happen for a reason he makes thing happen so WE can choose for them to have purpose.  For example, God does not have a guy get drunk and then have them get behind the wheel of a car and then kill someone else's child.  He would NEVER EVER do that.  Just the same as he did not make us suffer with infertility to make us miserable and he did not take my first two babies die so that we would become angry with him.  He did it to have two things happen: for OUR growth and for other's GAIN.  We chose to make our marriage stronger, we chose to love our babies harder, and we decided to not take any of the above for granted.  We GREW and when we tell our story other people GAIN. 

Our babies died (that was bad)

we learned what kind of parents we want to be (that was good)

we could not have more children (that was bad)

we spoke about our story and inspired people (that was good)

I had complication from the gastric bypass (that was bad)

I could be living proof that the surgery can be successful (that was good)

I motivated others to become healthy (that was good)

All of the above were not done for a reason but I made them have purpose.  I could have easily chosen to not make the best of the gastric bypass (that would be bad) and not have lost the weight (that would have been awful) and therefore no one would have been inspired to become healthy (even worse).  But I made the best of a rough situation (that was good).  Poeple can now see it IS possible to change your life (this is good).

Are you getting my point?!? Never use the cliche on me "everything happens for a reason", because God only has good things planned for those who love him. 

Right now I cannot see his plan but one day I will understand why he did the things he did (this will be good). I can make the situation have purpose even though I do not know his plans. 

My first pregnancy class...

I went to the pregnancy class called "first trimester" and it blows my mind how people can be so oblivious to the fact that all of this can change in a matter of moments.  One husband said, "i cannot understand why she will not fix me dinner?"  It took all the self control I had to not scream, "ARE YOU FRICKING KIDDING ME?!?!"  One mom said, "maybe I should quit smoking (at twelve weeks)."  I had to manually hold my jaw up because the muscles had given up due to shock.

Here I am sitting there thinking perhaps I am not taking enough iron.  Worrying about the subchorionic hematoma.  Did I over do it today by carrying my backpack to class?  All of the above things are what was running through my mind and I was also hoping and praying I get to join the next class called "second trimester."

I find it to be weird to always be in the complete opposite shoes of everyone else.  One time, just one time I would like to not be the odd man out.

"Welcome to the other side..."

I went in for my ultrasound (non-emergency) today and everything the doctor said could have been my quote of the day because he said a lot of amazing things! In order to speed things up I will list all of the quotes below:

The first he shouted when he came in the room:  "ABSOLUTELY GORGEOUS"


"If anyone deserves a baby it is you two.."


"Baby is measuring three days ahead of schedule.."


"This is the most perfect baby.."


"Your wife deserves lots of breakfast in bed.."


"I cannot believe it.."


"The Hematoma is gone!"


"Today is the day of miracles in my office because I had another couple who have been through a lot as well and their baby is healthy too.."


"This is great because once you see the heartbeat miscarriage rate drops from 50% to 4%"


"We will be doing ultrasounds every week for the next 7 weeks.."

My very favorite thing he said was "You guys have waited for eight years for this miracle and I am so excited to get to be a part of this babies care and welcome to the other side..."


Explanation of the chosen nickname
We have chosen "Pancake" because all of the major lessons we have learned came from or were involving pancakes.  If you have not heard the story of pancakes you can click HERE and will bring you back to an explanation of the name of my blog and now the name of our unborn child.  Pancakes represents the lessons we have learned in the past, what we want to be in the present and of the things that are yet to come.  This baby is a testimony to our journey as a couple and as living proof that there is something so much greater than ourselves and he is busy performing miracles everyday.

I am just making a baby pancake.

The Good, The Bad, The Scary...

The Good
We attended Lifelight and had a blast.  We hung out with our friends, walked through the vendors, worked at "The Weekend to Remember" booth, and got inspired by different speakers, and felt the presence of God amongst a crowd of 300,000 people. 

In the Bible it says, "For where two or three are gathered together in my name, there am I in the midst of them." Matthew 18:20   Take that times 100,000 and you can only imagine how unreal it feels. 

We walked past the alpha center booth years past and saw the displays of how big babies were at different gestational stages and our hearts hurt. This year, however, we walked past and tried to find where our baby was and could only celebrate the miracle that is unfolding right before us.

The Bad
We were waiting for the Jeremy Camp concert to start and I realized I was bleeding. We were in the middle of nowhere and the porta-potties were at least 20 people deep waiting in line. A young man from K-Love helped my husband throw everything together and got our car so we could go to the emergency room.  We were praying so hard as we were stuck in the thick traffic that ensues before a major headliner and we were crying because we were not sure what we would do if we were to lose another baby.

The Scary
We made it to the emergency room and the bleeding had quit and they got us back right away and the ultrasound tech rushed me to where the do the ultrasounds and the moment our baby came up on the doppler we knew it was alive.  The tech said, "do you see that flicker right there? that is your babies heartbeat." She then turned up the volume and the most beautiful sound fill the room, "whoo whoo whoo whoo." Our babies heart was beating at the rate of 143.42 bpm and my husband squealed in delight and tears streamed down his face as he said "oh thank you Lord!" 

It turns out what had happened was I had a hematoma about an inch below the baby and it was just a small collection of blood.  The doctor said 3 out of 10 women have this happen and they go on to have healthy babies.  There is no explanation or anything we could have done, or not done, to prevent this from happening.  I am not in any pain and the bleeding completely quit. 

We heard some pretty great music played by Tenth Avenue North on Saturday night but the MOST beautiful music was the show our baby put on for us on Sunday. 

Clearing the air....

In the past I have posted things on my facebook such as, "I went to Sanford and wanted to trip all the pregnant ladies.."  I did not post them however to come across as a horrible person or even that I would ACTUALLY do it.  I took for granted that my friends on facebook would know me or my situation and would understand that I was just expressing my pain of infertility in a relatively sarcastic manner. That is was a joke.  I am not a selfish person, I have just been through a lot and have a sideways way of expressing my hurt.  I get really angry and upset when I am walking out of a restaurant or store and there is a pregnant lady standing there smoking cigarettes or when I am in the elevator at Sanford and there is a pregnant mother complaining that she is pregnant and how the baby is not the sex they wanted.  I posted sarcastic comments after witnessing such events and knowing that having a child, for us, may never happen.

We looked into many adoption agencies and foster care agencies and after being denied twice and being drug through the mud I posted on facebook that I was excited to tell the foster care agency that we will be taking their classes at a later date due to the fact that we need to focus on THIS VERY HIGH RISK pregnancy right now.  That does not mean sometime in the future after I graduate and buy a bigger home that we will not EVER take in a foster child.  We will and we may also decide to just adopt.

I do not feel like I am selfish for putting this on hold nor making this decision for my family.  I am also not selfish for dreaming of setting up a nursery, feeling my baby kick, having a baby shower, wondering about what my baby will look like, or hoping that my child will have my husbands heart for caring about people instead of his toes and my ability to dance and sing rather than his ability to romp around the room looking like something from the book "Where the Wild Things Are.." 

All of the above are normal dreams and aspirations that any normal woman would have for their child, and if that is selfish than so be it.  At least I am not alone in the world. 

People can either be happy for us and celebrate our miracle or step aside and miss out on the great things that God has in store for the Erickson family because, as far as I can tell, this could turn out nothing short of simply incredible. 

Tears....

I know a lot of my tears are currently caused by the hormones but my long journey is also feeding into the water spickets that use to be known as my eyeballs. 

Cause of Tears # 1
I heard this song on the radio today: Click here to cry

Cause of Tears #2
I watched the video I had made for Sanford and reminisced about how hard it was for us to get here.. The tears hit when I said,"I have a lot of years left with my husband" and ends with "we look forward to our lives together and a family someday.." Click here to see the tears in action

Cause of Tears #3
I got the insurance all squared away for the baby and the lady told me on the phone "I cannot believe this is finally happening for you two.  You are some of the greatest people I know."  


Cause of Tears #4
DSS called and I told them we are holding off on foster care classes for now and we need to focus on this baby first.. No more hoops to jump through!


I Saw God Today, reminisced about how hard my weight loss journey was, cancelled our classes and now all we have to do is look forward to our lives together and a family.....someday.

The truth of the matter is...

I have worked very very hard to get all of this weight off and, now that I have gotten down to 122lbs, I sort of feel more confident.  I have been struggling with what is healthy and what is thin enough and the truth of the matter is, if there is a size on the clothing rack smaller than the one I need that smaller size becomes my new goal. 

What now becomes tricky is that last week we were running on adrenaline and shock at the thought of our new miracle and last night at the store someone came up to me and said, "your not looking as thin as you once were, are you ok?"  Ummmmm, my weight has stayed the same but this comment made my head spin. Do I look fat already? I am extremely worried about undoing all I have accomplished and comments such as those do not aid the situation.  I have been eating well for my baby but does that mean it is all going to go to my butt?

I have always wanted to look as sexy as my Zumba instructor and now I feel like that is NEVER going to happen. I hear people say all the time, "I never was overweight until I got pregnant." 

I just hope this baby is healthy and does not add new fat cells to my buttocks when it should be adding them to its cheeks...

Zumba baby...

I have been going to Zumba despite my recent news and it has occurred to me that hop hop hop = barf barf barf.  However, if I do not hop I think I can go to zumba every other day and possibly pick up a pregnancy exercise class on the opposite days.

My momma in-law and grandma said "ask your doctor about 'Zomba', as they call it, because you do not want to hurt the baby."  I agreed to ask and the doctor said the baby has plenty of cushion and just do not let my heart rate go above 140bpm.

On Friday, as I put my Zumba pants on, I was thanking the good lord that the waist band on Zumba pants is the same stuff they use to make maternity pants... Almost as perfect as my baby!

So I told my gramma and momma in-law that I talked to the baby and we agreed that it will learn to love Zumba almost as much as momma....

How do I say this and the reason I am telling you...

We have gone through a lot and just when I think I cannot keep going God blesses us with something soooooo huge that we ourselves could not have even imagined.  I am telling people so quickly because we need all the prayer we can get and if something was to happen, good or bad, I need a place to go to vent and people to be there for us.  So here I am.

The news is huge and if you want to learn by listening you can click here  and if you want to learn visually you can click here.  Personally I learn better by listening... but hey to each there own.

Enjoy! Heaven knows we are walking on a cloud right now...

Our camping trip...

We decided to go camping with a few friends.  We bought a new tent, found a recipe for grasshopper smores, got matching sleeping bags (from a rummage sale), and picked foods that would be easy to cook over a campfire. 

Due to the heat index our plans were hindered slightly. We did, however, see water fowl, check out the fish, fight off a wolf, and woke up to the sounds only a bird could offer. We also enjoyed some delicious food cooked over a flame.

These are the pics from our camping experience..

Who cares how much furniture we had to move to make this happen?

The penguins, the pool, and a meltdown...

The Penguins
    When I was growing up I would march in the parade of lights with my grandpa dressed as penguins and pass out candy to traffic as they drove down my grandparent's street during Christmas time. The street was called penguins point.  To get to the point of today, my aunt promised to take my grandparents to the new movie, "Mr. Popper's Penguins", and she also invited Steve and I to come along.  Of course, I was rolling in laughter through the whole movie because I love birds and Jim Carrey has also been known to rock my world on more than one occasion.  The best part of the movie, however, was when my aunt got my grandfather the headphones that made the volume of the movie louder and so he thought he had to talk louder and in one of the scenes he says "that penguin pooped!! that is soo funny."  My aunt then had to answer his question, "how did they get the penguins to do all of that?" in which she replied, "they are computer graphics" and he said, "no there not, they are real." I am not sure what was funnier the movie or my grandfather and all of his glory.  Before entering the theater he told Steve he was dropping popcorn and yet when we were walking away from the scene of the crime the trail of popcorn was circling my grandpa and my aunt says, "popcorn tells no lies grandpa."  My family is so goofy and I guess that explains what happened to me..

The Pool
   My friends little guy Isaac had swimming lessons tonight and we tagged along.  I feel so blessed to be included in his life and all of the activities that he embarks upon.  I stuffed him full of marshmallows before going to the pool so I feel like I did my job.  Spoil and return, then repeat.

The Meltdown
    I get so sick of watching everyone else get the desires of OUR heart and it seems like everything is handed to them on a silver platter as where Steve and I struggle and fight for everything we have.  I am not mad that we have to earn everything but some of the things we go through to get what we want is just ridiculous.  To have a kid I lose 194lbs, pay boat loads of money for infertility treatments and still have nothing to show for all of it except for a grave site.  I fought to get into school.  I fight for our marriage everyday.  I fought to create a better life for myself.  I fight to hold onto the little bit of faith I have left.  I fought to get our nice home. Everything we have I have fought and fought and fought to get and it seems like for other people everything comes by so simply.  I watch people that do not struggle with weight, they have kids without even trying,they marry their high school sweetheart, their parents make sure their wedding is unbelievably gorgeous,  they buy a home, and everything seems to always be just fine.  My wedding was simple and my parents did not pay for it, I was fat and now I am a bit smaller, I do not own an expensive house, I have been trying for a family for 7 years and have no kids.  Sometimes I just wish other people would feel our pain.  But guess what? No one does.  At the end of the day my husband and I curl into a ball and comfort each other because our hearts hurt so bad.  Not just for our children that passed away but for the future we have to endure without a family.  

I had the above meltdown on my friends couch this evening and she said to me, "you need to be happy where your at, because no matter what happens, if you are not happy with how you are today you never will be."  "we think you are great just the way you are, we like you for who you are not what you have or how many kids your raising." 

I am so busy trying to improve my life that I never just get the chance to enjoy where I am at right now.  This week I am going to enjoy THIS moment, where I am at right now. 

I shall scrape myself up off of the ground enjoy my friends, pets, and husband just as they are today.....

Keep Manhattan just give me that countryside...

I have mentioned many times before how great my friends are but perhaps this blog will give you a true taste of the awesomeness that they possess...

My husband and I joined some friends of ours on the lake and the day consisted of tremendous belly laughs, smooches from my favorite kiddos, and some pics that describe what my friends are to me.  My friends are more than people I have met and just enjoy passing time with they are my family.  People who have been there for me thick and through thin, through the incredible ups (my wedding day) and the unimaginable downs (my son's funeral).  Of course, they were there for my major life changes (my weight loss journey) and all the other things that we have stumbled upon along the way.

This day was just another good example of how great people can come together and make yet another surgery and weight issue seem so small in the grand scheme of things.

My husband got the opportunity to drive a David Brown tractor while I got to giggle at the roosters and their COCK-A-DOODLE-DOOS.  We took a boat ride around the lake, had a great lunch, enjoyed the kids while they soaked up the sun, and climbed into a tree house and fantasized about making signs that said, "NO BOYZ" allowed for the door. 

My husband drove the tractor and when he turned the engine off and as I was walking towards the house, all I could hear amongst the silence of the country were the words, "So sweet..." coming from his lips.

Those two words summed up this day in a matter of seconds.  So Sweet.

My Bucket List...

1. Be the best wife I can be
2. Inspire people to find better health for themselves
3. Own a really huge parrot and put it in shows
4. Travel around the world and try  ZUMBA classes in other countries
5. Impact a child
6. Be an interpreter for the Deaf
7. Love people with my WHOLE heart
8. Attend a cake convention
9. Go to Miami to dance with Beto Perez (creator of ZUMBA)
10. Drive a Ferrari
11. Know that my family and friends understand how important they are to me and how much of an impact they have made on my life and understand that they are appreciated more than my black heart is capable of showing

Some of my goals are materialistic, such as number 9 and 10, but most of my goals have purpose. I look back and read through my list and notice one thing is missing.  God.  However, know that he is not missing because if it were not for him my goals would not be what they are and they would certainly never be accomplished.

How am I doing?

The number "2" and the letter "F"...

My surgiversary was a complete success in and of itself but the celebration behind my surgiversary is brought to you by the number "2" and the letter "F".

The number two simply because it has been 2 years and 10lbs short of 200lbs down.  The letter "F" because, if it were not for my Friends and Family this whole process would not have turned out Fantastic.. 

I started out the day doing zumba, I continued the day with dinner with my friends and grandparents and I ended the day with a stroll through the downtown car show.  The car show years prior consisted of my husband pushing me in my wheel chair.  This year, however, I walked the whole thing except for two the last two blocks and that was because I took my husband up on his offer of a piggy back ride.  :D 

Here are a few pics of my support team and my Zumba instructor (Carrie) who played a HUGE part in how I look today.  If I did not have support and I had not seen Carrie speak I would not have did what I have done.

These people are the ones who made it easier to choose broccoli over cheesecake and health over a life of imprisonment in my own body.

For this I owe them the world......

I took two...

I remember when it took the two of us to help me get around Augustana in my wheelchair.  I remember when I use to sit down someplace and my butt took up two spaces.  The days of having the number of my weight begin with a 2 or 3 were not too long ago.

I have always taken two.

The funny thing about taking two is it has always been inconvenient, and at times, embarrassing. Now taking two takes on a whole new meaning.  I took two hours dancing at the zumbathon to help raise money for a tornado.  I played softball the other night and on my first time up to bat I took two bases. It takes two people to where my old pants.

You know what else involves the number two?!? My marriage, and if it would not have been for my other half all of this would be null and void and would have never become a reality.

Thanks Steve for my being my number two one.  I take up one seat, my weight begins and ends with the number one, my day starts and finishes with you, my number one.

What I have attempted to make great and ended up making worse...

I took fertility drugs this month to hopefully be pregnant by father's day so we did not have another crappy parents day pass as we have nothing to celebrate.  I did not tell my husband and I woke up this morning only to discover that my attempts have failed and the difference between this month and ALL the other months is that I have to endure the sadness alone because I did not tell my husband. Awesome.

Lutheran Social Services is coming to our house this friday to tell us whether we can barrow a kid or not.  I am starting to not feel so excited about fostering because now people are telling me about how horrible it is and how the kids you get are "crazy and messed up."  I am not so sure that that is what I want.  I do not want a kid who kills animals or any such silliness. I happen to love my pets very much and I do not want one to go missing.

Why can't we just have our own kids without all of this hassle?!?   Everyone else gets to, why can't we?  

This I know for sure...

You always hear about mothers and how great they are.  But truly all they had to do was make love to their significant other and bam there was a baby.  Not that complicated.  Unless, of course, you are one of the few who struggle like me.  I have met a lot of mothers who did not have to strive to have children, who did not even attempt to conceive, who planned for a child and got one, or simply got one and did not want it.  Mothers cannot be put into the category of greatness just based on status.  I want to discuss the women out there who have fought for their children, who wanted them so badly and yet had to wait or bury them, or never even got a chance to experience any of the above.  The women I am talking about are the ones who are great and their greatness has NOTHING to do with their ability to pro-create or buy children.  I am talking about the Zumba instructor who needs IVF to have a kid.  I am talking about the Deaf interpreter who never got to experience the love of a child in their home, and the dietician who dreams of what it would feel like to be pregnant just once.  I am talking about a group of women who are great even though they are childless.  I want to be one of them.  You never hear of awful people struggling to have children because they can reproduce like rabbits but genuine people who could be the BEST of parents never get the opportunity.  I feel like this part of life should be more fair.

I know, I know, life is not fair but couldn't this part be a smidgeon more equal?

I Believe in Wedding Cake....

When you are young you dream about being a princess and wearing fancy dresses or being superman and flying off tall buildings, but those were not mine.  The one thing I had ALWAYS fantasized about was my wedding cake.  The reason for this is because my grandmother has always made the most beautiful cakes and I wanted one of the big pretty ones all for myself, not to eat but just as a celebration of something about me.  To get to my point I want to talk about my grandmother and her declining health. Over the last year her vision has gotten to the point of needing a cornea transplant and her vision has dwindled to the point of not being able to decorate anymore.  Grandma had accepted this job before the cornea transplant was a necessity and she REALLY wanted this to be her last cake shindig.  What kind of granddaughter would I be to not make that happen for her?

 I made the daisies a few weeks back and I completed the cake this last weekend.  I am not going to lie it was very bittersweet because she needs to retire and I am going to miss going to her house and there being remanence of a wedding cake, that was about to blow a brides mind, spread all over the tables and counters.

      These cakes are not only a major responsibility but when it came down to brass tax my grandmother could not decorate at ALL and I had to do it all by MYSELF.  My blind coach (gramma) was quite a lovely companion but I was concerned I was going to ruin someone's big day by botching the cake.  I would like to share with you a beautiful ending to a career that has shaped my life in more ways than one.  A few splendid memories were when I spent the night at gramma's, as a kid, and I would come back home smelling like cake and the way the grandkids would compete for cake skins (the part of the cake that would rise in the oven and needed to be trimmed so that the cake would lay evenly).  I remember so many days opening up the albums of wedding cakes she had made over the years and going through and picking what I would want on my wedding cake. The thing that remained the same over the years was my desire for a water fountain under the main cake.

My grandmother was an amazing cake decorator and what she has taught me through her cakes has nothing to do with cake itself but rather how important it is to be their for friends and family, give a gift even when it will take all the energy you can muster up, and to always make time to create memories with the people who are important before the opportunity is gone.  Here are a few pics of the fantastic memories we created through the creation of the last cake.  I also posted a pic of my wedding cake so you get a chance to see the fountain that had been dreamt about for years...

I believe in wedding cake...

The greatness of today and a bit of hope...

It is official I have passed my test and am going to be a junior next year!! The test I traveled for was a huge success and I am proud to say I am well on my way..

I have officially decided to look into long term foster care tomorrow and we will see what happens.  In the mean time turn up the volume on your computer because I have a new theme song.

What is a good day without a good song?

The ER and the doc..

So we end up in the ER because of Steve's migraines (that can cause seizures if not treated) and he is wailing in pain.  I feel so bad but I pack up my books and brought him there to get the help he so desperately needed.  The nurse messed up his IV and he starts balling and I understand cause I have felt that awful pain myself. It shows how much you love someone when you wish you could endure the pain for them even if we have been arguing and upset about the recent garbage that has seemed to pile on our laps.  Anyways, I was studying my history book when the doctor comes in and says, "how is that studying going?" and I reply, "well you know how it goes when you have to be a wife and cram books at the same time."  He then proceeds to say, "You should try being a mother too."  That was then end of that conversation.  Here I was with my mind on my homework and being there for my husband and he has to bring THAT to the forefront of our minds again? Seriously? Can we ever get a break? The doctor left the room and my husband, underneath his towel because the light is killing him, says,"He did not just say that. I cannot FREAKING believe it.  I am so sorry honey. He should try focusing on his job and not worrying about the state of our family."  I then said, "ridiculous."  We then both started to cry AGAIN.

I am running out of tears. Is that even possible? Yes, yes it is, I have done it.

Lateness, sadness, and a big huge test...

I stopped by my grandparents house and noticed my aunt was helping grandpa with his plants so I joined her in replanting them.  After we were finished we were eating dinner and she excitedly told me she was going to be a grandmother and the baby is due around my daughter's birthday.... My heart just sunk.  I know God hates me but I have always thought there was no way he could hate me that much.  Not only to watch everyone else get the desire of my heart but to give my grandparents (who are like my real parents) their first great grandchild around my dead daughters birthday? Really? I am happy for the couple who is getting the blessing, do not get me wrong, but my heart hurts so much I have cried and cried and blown blood vessels under my left eye.  To top it off she told me the day before I have to go take this massive test that decides the fate of me getting into the interpreting program at Augustana.  To take this one step further my period was 4 days late so we thought that we could be pregnant as well, yeah right, I am just getting closer to menopause because my cycles are starting to fade.  I wake up, the morning of this huge test and the day after I get this news, and I get my period and the pain is so intense i am doubled over.  I cannot take meds because of the gastric bypass so I just had to suffer.  So now I am not pregnant, someone in my family is, my kids are dead, my period is horrid, and I have to travel 400 miles to take this HUGE test, and now me and my husband are extremely upset and stuck in the car with each other.

We also found out that we cannot adopt because you are automatically disqualified if you have ever been treated for a mental illness.  We have, obviously, been treated for depression because our other kids died.  So we moved to our new home for no reason.  We have extra rooms and higher bills for nothing.

I have been mad at God since he took my children but now I am almost to the point of not believing that he even exists.  Who would torture their child as much as he is torturing me?  Not a parent who loves them... this I know for sure.

Technology and "flat things"......

My grandparents have always listened to Christmas music year-round.  In particular, they like to listen to Leon Redbone that they have on a tape cassette.  When I was ten years old my grandmother and I got into a car accident and the tape (that was not in the deck at the time) flew into the tape player of the car and when the police came to the window this song was playing (click the red link).  At the time, I was soooo embarrassed because it was not Christmas (it was Easter) and this song was blaring loudly from the speakers.  Anyways, my grandparents had to get a new van (2011 Toyota Sienna) a few days ago and it is got so many bells and whistles that it even has a widescreen DVD player, that splits into two screens, that drops down in the backseat. I came over to their house to check it out and I came in the house and there was my grandmother reading this owner's manual to the car with a magnifying glass, that appeared to have been used by Mr. Magoo himself, and she says, "I have a problem."  I said, "oh yeah, what is the problem?" She then replies, "this car won't play my Christmas tape, I think it only has one of those flat things (CD player)."  I said, "you are probably correct we are in the year 2011 and technology has advanced."  Then my grandmother says, " oh well, I am not happy there has got to be a tape player in this thing, I will just keep reading."  I said, "Grandma, you can read that book until you are blue in the face and a tape deck will not appear."  I was breaking my ribs trying not laugh.  She was seriously concerned about her ability to listen to this Christmas tape.  There is approximately $30,000 dollars of fantastic technology sitting in their driveway never going to get to be used.  I will forever call CDs 'flat things' from this day forward..

Could it really get any better than this?