Clearing the air....

In the past I have posted things on my facebook such as, "I went to Sanford and wanted to trip all the pregnant ladies.."  I did not post them however to come across as a horrible person or even that I would ACTUALLY do it.  I took for granted that my friends on facebook would know me or my situation and would understand that I was just expressing my pain of infertility in a relatively sarcastic manner. That is was a joke.  I am not a selfish person, I have just been through a lot and have a sideways way of expressing my hurt.  I get really angry and upset when I am walking out of a restaurant or store and there is a pregnant lady standing there smoking cigarettes or when I am in the elevator at Sanford and there is a pregnant mother complaining that she is pregnant and how the baby is not the sex they wanted.  I posted sarcastic comments after witnessing such events and knowing that having a child, for us, may never happen.

We looked into many adoption agencies and foster care agencies and after being denied twice and being drug through the mud I posted on facebook that I was excited to tell the foster care agency that we will be taking their classes at a later date due to the fact that we need to focus on THIS VERY HIGH RISK pregnancy right now.  That does not mean sometime in the future after I graduate and buy a bigger home that we will not EVER take in a foster child.  We will and we may also decide to just adopt.

I do not feel like I am selfish for putting this on hold nor making this decision for my family.  I am also not selfish for dreaming of setting up a nursery, feeling my baby kick, having a baby shower, wondering about what my baby will look like, or hoping that my child will have my husbands heart for caring about people instead of his toes and my ability to dance and sing rather than his ability to romp around the room looking like something from the book "Where the Wild Things Are.." 

All of the above are normal dreams and aspirations that any normal woman would have for their child, and if that is selfish than so be it.  At least I am not alone in the world. 

People can either be happy for us and celebrate our miracle or step aside and miss out on the great things that God has in store for the Erickson family because, as far as I can tell, this could turn out nothing short of simply incredible. 

Tears....

I know a lot of my tears are currently caused by the hormones but my long journey is also feeding into the water spickets that use to be known as my eyeballs. 

Cause of Tears # 1
I heard this song on the radio today: Click here to cry

Cause of Tears #2
I watched the video I had made for Sanford and reminisced about how hard it was for us to get here.. The tears hit when I said,"I have a lot of years left with my husband" and ends with "we look forward to our lives together and a family someday.." Click here to see the tears in action

Cause of Tears #3
I got the insurance all squared away for the baby and the lady told me on the phone "I cannot believe this is finally happening for you two.  You are some of the greatest people I know."  


Cause of Tears #4
DSS called and I told them we are holding off on foster care classes for now and we need to focus on this baby first.. No more hoops to jump through!


I Saw God Today, reminisced about how hard my weight loss journey was, cancelled our classes and now all we have to do is look forward to our lives together and a family.....someday.

The truth of the matter is...

I have worked very very hard to get all of this weight off and, now that I have gotten down to 122lbs, I sort of feel more confident.  I have been struggling with what is healthy and what is thin enough and the truth of the matter is, if there is a size on the clothing rack smaller than the one I need that smaller size becomes my new goal. 

What now becomes tricky is that last week we were running on adrenaline and shock at the thought of our new miracle and last night at the store someone came up to me and said, "your not looking as thin as you once were, are you ok?"  Ummmmm, my weight has stayed the same but this comment made my head spin. Do I look fat already? I am extremely worried about undoing all I have accomplished and comments such as those do not aid the situation.  I have been eating well for my baby but does that mean it is all going to go to my butt?

I have always wanted to look as sexy as my Zumba instructor and now I feel like that is NEVER going to happen. I hear people say all the time, "I never was overweight until I got pregnant." 

I just hope this baby is healthy and does not add new fat cells to my buttocks when it should be adding them to its cheeks...

Zumba baby...

I have been going to Zumba despite my recent news and it has occurred to me that hop hop hop = barf barf barf.  However, if I do not hop I think I can go to zumba every other day and possibly pick up a pregnancy exercise class on the opposite days.

My momma in-law and grandma said "ask your doctor about 'Zomba', as they call it, because you do not want to hurt the baby."  I agreed to ask and the doctor said the baby has plenty of cushion and just do not let my heart rate go above 140bpm.

On Friday, as I put my Zumba pants on, I was thanking the good lord that the waist band on Zumba pants is the same stuff they use to make maternity pants... Almost as perfect as my baby!

So I told my gramma and momma in-law that I talked to the baby and we agreed that it will learn to love Zumba almost as much as momma....

How do I say this and the reason I am telling you...

We have gone through a lot and just when I think I cannot keep going God blesses us with something soooooo huge that we ourselves could not have even imagined.  I am telling people so quickly because we need all the prayer we can get and if something was to happen, good or bad, I need a place to go to vent and people to be there for us.  So here I am.

The news is huge and if you want to learn by listening you can click here  and if you want to learn visually you can click here.  Personally I learn better by listening... but hey to each there own.

Enjoy! Heaven knows we are walking on a cloud right now...

Our camping trip...

We decided to go camping with a few friends.  We bought a new tent, found a recipe for grasshopper smores, got matching sleeping bags (from a rummage sale), and picked foods that would be easy to cook over a campfire. 

Due to the heat index our plans were hindered slightly. We did, however, see water fowl, check out the fish, fight off a wolf, and woke up to the sounds only a bird could offer. We also enjoyed some delicious food cooked over a flame.

These are the pics from our camping experience..

Who cares how much furniture we had to move to make this happen?

The penguins, the pool, and a meltdown...

The Penguins
    When I was growing up I would march in the parade of lights with my grandpa dressed as penguins and pass out candy to traffic as they drove down my grandparent's street during Christmas time. The street was called penguins point.  To get to the point of today, my aunt promised to take my grandparents to the new movie, "Mr. Popper's Penguins", and she also invited Steve and I to come along.  Of course, I was rolling in laughter through the whole movie because I love birds and Jim Carrey has also been known to rock my world on more than one occasion.  The best part of the movie, however, was when my aunt got my grandfather the headphones that made the volume of the movie louder and so he thought he had to talk louder and in one of the scenes he says "that penguin pooped!! that is soo funny."  My aunt then had to answer his question, "how did they get the penguins to do all of that?" in which she replied, "they are computer graphics" and he said, "no there not, they are real." I am not sure what was funnier the movie or my grandfather and all of his glory.  Before entering the theater he told Steve he was dropping popcorn and yet when we were walking away from the scene of the crime the trail of popcorn was circling my grandpa and my aunt says, "popcorn tells no lies grandpa."  My family is so goofy and I guess that explains what happened to me..

The Pool
   My friends little guy Isaac had swimming lessons tonight and we tagged along.  I feel so blessed to be included in his life and all of the activities that he embarks upon.  I stuffed him full of marshmallows before going to the pool so I feel like I did my job.  Spoil and return, then repeat.

The Meltdown
    I get so sick of watching everyone else get the desires of OUR heart and it seems like everything is handed to them on a silver platter as where Steve and I struggle and fight for everything we have.  I am not mad that we have to earn everything but some of the things we go through to get what we want is just ridiculous.  To have a kid I lose 194lbs, pay boat loads of money for infertility treatments and still have nothing to show for all of it except for a grave site.  I fought to get into school.  I fight for our marriage everyday.  I fought to create a better life for myself.  I fight to hold onto the little bit of faith I have left.  I fought to get our nice home. Everything we have I have fought and fought and fought to get and it seems like for other people everything comes by so simply.  I watch people that do not struggle with weight, they have kids without even trying,they marry their high school sweetheart, their parents make sure their wedding is unbelievably gorgeous,  they buy a home, and everything seems to always be just fine.  My wedding was simple and my parents did not pay for it, I was fat and now I am a bit smaller, I do not own an expensive house, I have been trying for a family for 7 years and have no kids.  Sometimes I just wish other people would feel our pain.  But guess what? No one does.  At the end of the day my husband and I curl into a ball and comfort each other because our hearts hurt so bad.  Not just for our children that passed away but for the future we have to endure without a family.  

I had the above meltdown on my friends couch this evening and she said to me, "you need to be happy where your at, because no matter what happens, if you are not happy with how you are today you never will be."  "we think you are great just the way you are, we like you for who you are not what you have or how many kids your raising." 

I am so busy trying to improve my life that I never just get the chance to enjoy where I am at right now.  This week I am going to enjoy THIS moment, where I am at right now. 

I shall scrape myself up off of the ground enjoy my friends, pets, and husband just as they are today.....

Keep Manhattan just give me that countryside...

I have mentioned many times before how great my friends are but perhaps this blog will give you a true taste of the awesomeness that they possess...

My husband and I joined some friends of ours on the lake and the day consisted of tremendous belly laughs, smooches from my favorite kiddos, and some pics that describe what my friends are to me.  My friends are more than people I have met and just enjoy passing time with they are my family.  People who have been there for me thick and through thin, through the incredible ups (my wedding day) and the unimaginable downs (my son's funeral).  Of course, they were there for my major life changes (my weight loss journey) and all the other things that we have stumbled upon along the way.

This day was just another good example of how great people can come together and make yet another surgery and weight issue seem so small in the grand scheme of things.

My husband got the opportunity to drive a David Brown tractor while I got to giggle at the roosters and their COCK-A-DOODLE-DOOS.  We took a boat ride around the lake, had a great lunch, enjoyed the kids while they soaked up the sun, and climbed into a tree house and fantasized about making signs that said, "NO BOYZ" allowed for the door. 

My husband drove the tractor and when he turned the engine off and as I was walking towards the house, all I could hear amongst the silence of the country were the words, "So sweet..." coming from his lips.

Those two words summed up this day in a matter of seconds.  So Sweet.

My Bucket List...

1. Be the best wife I can be
2. Inspire people to find better health for themselves
3. Own a really huge parrot and put it in shows
4. Travel around the world and try  ZUMBA classes in other countries
5. Impact a child
6. Be an interpreter for the Deaf
7. Love people with my WHOLE heart
8. Attend a cake convention
9. Go to Miami to dance with Beto Perez (creator of ZUMBA)
10. Drive a Ferrari
11. Know that my family and friends understand how important they are to me and how much of an impact they have made on my life and understand that they are appreciated more than my black heart is capable of showing

Some of my goals are materialistic, such as number 9 and 10, but most of my goals have purpose. I look back and read through my list and notice one thing is missing.  God.  However, know that he is not missing because if it were not for him my goals would not be what they are and they would certainly never be accomplished.

How am I doing?

The number "2" and the letter "F"...

My surgiversary was a complete success in and of itself but the celebration behind my surgiversary is brought to you by the number "2" and the letter "F".

The number two simply because it has been 2 years and 10lbs short of 200lbs down.  The letter "F" because, if it were not for my Friends and Family this whole process would not have turned out Fantastic.. 

I started out the day doing zumba, I continued the day with dinner with my friends and grandparents and I ended the day with a stroll through the downtown car show.  The car show years prior consisted of my husband pushing me in my wheel chair.  This year, however, I walked the whole thing except for two the last two blocks and that was because I took my husband up on his offer of a piggy back ride.  :D 

Here are a few pics of my support team and my Zumba instructor (Carrie) who played a HUGE part in how I look today.  If I did not have support and I had not seen Carrie speak I would not have did what I have done.

These people are the ones who made it easier to choose broccoli over cheesecake and health over a life of imprisonment in my own body.

For this I owe them the world......

I took two...

I remember when it took the two of us to help me get around Augustana in my wheelchair.  I remember when I use to sit down someplace and my butt took up two spaces.  The days of having the number of my weight begin with a 2 or 3 were not too long ago.

I have always taken two.

The funny thing about taking two is it has always been inconvenient, and at times, embarrassing. Now taking two takes on a whole new meaning.  I took two hours dancing at the zumbathon to help raise money for a tornado.  I played softball the other night and on my first time up to bat I took two bases. It takes two people to where my old pants.

You know what else involves the number two?!? My marriage, and if it would not have been for my other half all of this would be null and void and would have never become a reality.

Thanks Steve for my being my number two one.  I take up one seat, my weight begins and ends with the number one, my day starts and finishes with you, my number one.

What I have attempted to make great and ended up making worse...

I took fertility drugs this month to hopefully be pregnant by father's day so we did not have another crappy parents day pass as we have nothing to celebrate.  I did not tell my husband and I woke up this morning only to discover that my attempts have failed and the difference between this month and ALL the other months is that I have to endure the sadness alone because I did not tell my husband. Awesome.

Lutheran Social Services is coming to our house this friday to tell us whether we can barrow a kid or not.  I am starting to not feel so excited about fostering because now people are telling me about how horrible it is and how the kids you get are "crazy and messed up."  I am not so sure that that is what I want.  I do not want a kid who kills animals or any such silliness. I happen to love my pets very much and I do not want one to go missing.

Why can't we just have our own kids without all of this hassle?!?   Everyone else gets to, why can't we?  

This I know for sure...

You always hear about mothers and how great they are.  But truly all they had to do was make love to their significant other and bam there was a baby.  Not that complicated.  Unless, of course, you are one of the few who struggle like me.  I have met a lot of mothers who did not have to strive to have children, who did not even attempt to conceive, who planned for a child and got one, or simply got one and did not want it.  Mothers cannot be put into the category of greatness just based on status.  I want to discuss the women out there who have fought for their children, who wanted them so badly and yet had to wait or bury them, or never even got a chance to experience any of the above.  The women I am talking about are the ones who are great and their greatness has NOTHING to do with their ability to pro-create or buy children.  I am talking about the Zumba instructor who needs IVF to have a kid.  I am talking about the Deaf interpreter who never got to experience the love of a child in their home, and the dietician who dreams of what it would feel like to be pregnant just once.  I am talking about a group of women who are great even though they are childless.  I want to be one of them.  You never hear of awful people struggling to have children because they can reproduce like rabbits but genuine people who could be the BEST of parents never get the opportunity.  I feel like this part of life should be more fair.

I know, I know, life is not fair but couldn't this part be a smidgeon more equal?

I Believe in Wedding Cake....

When you are young you dream about being a princess and wearing fancy dresses or being superman and flying off tall buildings, but those were not mine.  The one thing I had ALWAYS fantasized about was my wedding cake.  The reason for this is because my grandmother has always made the most beautiful cakes and I wanted one of the big pretty ones all for myself, not to eat but just as a celebration of something about me.  To get to my point I want to talk about my grandmother and her declining health. Over the last year her vision has gotten to the point of needing a cornea transplant and her vision has dwindled to the point of not being able to decorate anymore.  Grandma had accepted this job before the cornea transplant was a necessity and she REALLY wanted this to be her last cake shindig.  What kind of granddaughter would I be to not make that happen for her?

 I made the daisies a few weeks back and I completed the cake this last weekend.  I am not going to lie it was very bittersweet because she needs to retire and I am going to miss going to her house and there being remanence of a wedding cake, that was about to blow a brides mind, spread all over the tables and counters.

      These cakes are not only a major responsibility but when it came down to brass tax my grandmother could not decorate at ALL and I had to do it all by MYSELF.  My blind coach (gramma) was quite a lovely companion but I was concerned I was going to ruin someone's big day by botching the cake.  I would like to share with you a beautiful ending to a career that has shaped my life in more ways than one.  A few splendid memories were when I spent the night at gramma's, as a kid, and I would come back home smelling like cake and the way the grandkids would compete for cake skins (the part of the cake that would rise in the oven and needed to be trimmed so that the cake would lay evenly).  I remember so many days opening up the albums of wedding cakes she had made over the years and going through and picking what I would want on my wedding cake. The thing that remained the same over the years was my desire for a water fountain under the main cake.

My grandmother was an amazing cake decorator and what she has taught me through her cakes has nothing to do with cake itself but rather how important it is to be their for friends and family, give a gift even when it will take all the energy you can muster up, and to always make time to create memories with the people who are important before the opportunity is gone.  Here are a few pics of the fantastic memories we created through the creation of the last cake.  I also posted a pic of my wedding cake so you get a chance to see the fountain that had been dreamt about for years...

I believe in wedding cake...

The greatness of today and a bit of hope...

It is official I have passed my test and am going to be a junior next year!! The test I traveled for was a huge success and I am proud to say I am well on my way..

I have officially decided to look into long term foster care tomorrow and we will see what happens.  In the mean time turn up the volume on your computer because I have a new theme song.

What is a good day without a good song?

The ER and the doc..

So we end up in the ER because of Steve's migraines (that can cause seizures if not treated) and he is wailing in pain.  I feel so bad but I pack up my books and brought him there to get the help he so desperately needed.  The nurse messed up his IV and he starts balling and I understand cause I have felt that awful pain myself. It shows how much you love someone when you wish you could endure the pain for them even if we have been arguing and upset about the recent garbage that has seemed to pile on our laps.  Anyways, I was studying my history book when the doctor comes in and says, "how is that studying going?" and I reply, "well you know how it goes when you have to be a wife and cram books at the same time."  He then proceeds to say, "You should try being a mother too."  That was then end of that conversation.  Here I was with my mind on my homework and being there for my husband and he has to bring THAT to the forefront of our minds again? Seriously? Can we ever get a break? The doctor left the room and my husband, underneath his towel because the light is killing him, says,"He did not just say that. I cannot FREAKING believe it.  I am so sorry honey. He should try focusing on his job and not worrying about the state of our family."  I then said, "ridiculous."  We then both started to cry AGAIN.

I am running out of tears. Is that even possible? Yes, yes it is, I have done it.

Lateness, sadness, and a big huge test...

I stopped by my grandparents house and noticed my aunt was helping grandpa with his plants so I joined her in replanting them.  After we were finished we were eating dinner and she excitedly told me she was going to be a grandmother and the baby is due around my daughter's birthday.... My heart just sunk.  I know God hates me but I have always thought there was no way he could hate me that much.  Not only to watch everyone else get the desire of my heart but to give my grandparents (who are like my real parents) their first great grandchild around my dead daughters birthday? Really? I am happy for the couple who is getting the blessing, do not get me wrong, but my heart hurts so much I have cried and cried and blown blood vessels under my left eye.  To top it off she told me the day before I have to go take this massive test that decides the fate of me getting into the interpreting program at Augustana.  To take this one step further my period was 4 days late so we thought that we could be pregnant as well, yeah right, I am just getting closer to menopause because my cycles are starting to fade.  I wake up, the morning of this huge test and the day after I get this news, and I get my period and the pain is so intense i am doubled over.  I cannot take meds because of the gastric bypass so I just had to suffer.  So now I am not pregnant, someone in my family is, my kids are dead, my period is horrid, and I have to travel 400 miles to take this HUGE test, and now me and my husband are extremely upset and stuck in the car with each other.

We also found out that we cannot adopt because you are automatically disqualified if you have ever been treated for a mental illness.  We have, obviously, been treated for depression because our other kids died.  So we moved to our new home for no reason.  We have extra rooms and higher bills for nothing.

I have been mad at God since he took my children but now I am almost to the point of not believing that he even exists.  Who would torture their child as much as he is torturing me?  Not a parent who loves them... this I know for sure.

Technology and "flat things"......

My grandparents have always listened to Christmas music year-round.  In particular, they like to listen to Leon Redbone that they have on a tape cassette.  When I was ten years old my grandmother and I got into a car accident and the tape (that was not in the deck at the time) flew into the tape player of the car and when the police came to the window this song was playing (click the red link).  At the time, I was soooo embarrassed because it was not Christmas (it was Easter) and this song was blaring loudly from the speakers.  Anyways, my grandparents had to get a new van (2011 Toyota Sienna) a few days ago and it is got so many bells and whistles that it even has a widescreen DVD player, that splits into two screens, that drops down in the backseat. I came over to their house to check it out and I came in the house and there was my grandmother reading this owner's manual to the car with a magnifying glass, that appeared to have been used by Mr. Magoo himself, and she says, "I have a problem."  I said, "oh yeah, what is the problem?" She then replies, "this car won't play my Christmas tape, I think it only has one of those flat things (CD player)."  I said, "you are probably correct we are in the year 2011 and technology has advanced."  Then my grandmother says, " oh well, I am not happy there has got to be a tape player in this thing, I will just keep reading."  I said, "Grandma, you can read that book until you are blue in the face and a tape deck will not appear."  I was breaking my ribs trying not laugh.  She was seriously concerned about her ability to listen to this Christmas tape.  There is approximately $30,000 dollars of fantastic technology sitting in their driveway never going to get to be used.  I will forever call CDs 'flat things' from this day forward..

Could it really get any better than this?

Skin, comments, and friends that have disappeared...

I do not wear my tank tops to ZUMBA because of my embarrassment about my arms and the skin (from losing so much weight).  The last few weeks I have gotten up enough courage to wear my tank tops and Wednesday these chicks behind me said to each other, "look at her arms.." My heart sunk.  I thought, here I am mustering up the courage to NOT be hot in my favorite activity and they say something. Just as I expected.

One of my friends that I have met through my weight loss journey will no longer talk to me because she fell off the beaten path.  I feel bad, not because she has decided to not be friends with me anymore, but because I hope I am not giving people the vibe that, "if you are overweight, not eating healthy, and not working out, that you cannot be friends with me" and "I do not care about you." None of the above is true, at all.  I may not go to McDonalds or make unhealthy food choices or skip Zumba class, but that does not mean we cannot be friends... It just means I have changed my life style.  I will go to Mcdonalds or whatever I just will not eat.  I am an easy person to get along with and hang out with and a great friend (at least the last time I checked). 


Do not hate me because my body has changed, my heart and mind are still the same... That is what counts, right?

Practice...

I go through my daily life and every activity I partake in I always feel like I am practicing.  I go to Zumba and am always trying to be as good as the instructor.  I go to school and I am practicing to become a good interpreter.  I babysit my friends children and I am practicing to become a mother.  I come home and I am practicing to become a good wife.  I eat vegetables and fruit and lean meats and I am practicing to become thin.  I join a softball team and I can barely get the ball back to the pitcher let alone hit the ball with a bat.  I am simply just practicing.

I know the old saying says, "practice makes perfect."  This quote, however, to me is not motivational.  Why, you ask?  Because I feel like I am not good at anything.  I feel like everything I do has to be improved.  It feels like I am not good enough, thin enough, efficient enough, or even motherly enough.

If it were not for practice I would never get to feel accomplished when I do something correct or maybe I would feel accomplished but I would not celebrate nearly enough. You know the do-the- snoopy-dance-in-the-middle-of-class kind of feeling...

I just want to become an expert at one thing...something that people will say, "wow, your really good at that."

Perhaps I will have to practice how to take compliments, so when THAT day comes, I will be prepared.

Things that have occured to me today...

#1  As Steve and I went to lay flowers on Isaiah's grave I realized a HUGE oxy moron.  Cemetaries are solely for the living.  Why do I think this? The people who have passed away are no longer there and the only reason their bodies are there is so that their family has a way to cope with the loss.  That is it. Isaiah is no longer there, he is in heaven in God's hands and not under six feet of dirt that we stop by and visit when our hearts are hurting and lay flowers on.

#2 Everything that leaves a mark on my heart has a tendency to have some relation to pancakes.  Not because they are my favorite food, by any means, but just because I learn lessons and pancakes always seem to be involved.  For example, our first married fight was over pancake batter.  He wanted Bisquick and I wanted Krusteaz.  Needless to say we both went to bed hungry and realized that our petty fights are to be called "Just making pancakes."  Second pancakes fiasco was when I made pancakes for my brother and sister and the whole house filled up with black smoke and they gagged the pancakes down just to prove their love to me.  There are many more situations but I will save those stories for another day.  The story I wanted to talk about today took place at 'The Original Pancake House', not to be confused with IHOP.  I realized what kind of daughter I want to be to my mother and what I want my daughter to be for me.  We were eating and a middle aged woman sat with an elderly woman, who clearly had ALOT of health problems. She was in a wheelchair and her mind seemed to be slipping. The mother required a lot of care and it must have taken a fair bit of work to get her to the pancake house on a day like today.  They had finished eating and the daughter pulled out a crossword book and read each phrase to the mother and the mother would pelt out the answer.  Clearly they had done this many a time.  The daughter would then fill in the necessary answer and they would move on to the next clue.  It was one of the sweetest things I had seen in a long time.  I started crying.  After we paid for the bill I walked up to the daughter and told I want to be just like her when I grew up and she started to cry as well.. she was tired but her love for her mother was unconditional and beautiful.

Blasted ol' Pancakes always reminding my black heart to remain pink, even if only momentarily.

Guess what?

My fertility drugs failed AGAIN.. something is SERIOUSLY wrong with us.  It has now been a year of TTC with no success.

I am trying to figure out if I should call the reproductive endocrinologist again or if we should just completely throw in the towel and schedule some plastic surgery and possibly get my tubes tied so this will never be an area of concern again.  I cannot believe this.

I love my life, I love my husband, I love my pets, and I love ZUMBA. Don't get me wrong I am thankful for what I have, on the other hand this part REALLY sucks.

I feel like no one cares, or understands and I am floating through life alone.  My babies are all dead and our chances at ever having kids is pretty much null and void.

How do I accept this? Where can I go to get support? How do I fend off this depression that is lurking and waiting to completely consume me and who I am?

My weird eye disease..

Every so often my iritis acts up and causes me severe pain in one of my eyes, it is never both at the  same time (thank God).  I have now missed two days of class. Hopefully my teachers will not dock me because of my absences.. Although my teachers should not feel like their class is the only thing I missed because I have also missed ZUMBA (which NEVER happens) and I also missed hip hop dance class. Dang it.

I am also extremely exhausted.  Needless to say my poodle is enjoying this. Lily likes to go to bed at 7pm wake up at 12pm and take a nap every hour on the hour for at least 15 minutes.  My exhaustion has been her gain.

Not much else going on in my world.  Just thought I would explain my allergy to my own eye. Weird. I know.

A mishap turned blessing :D

I was getting so frustrated about the car accident but the sexy Dodge Charger has really given me a wake up call... My Buick is sooo nice, it is fully loaded, it likes to turn its own headlights on, the windows are fantastically dark, it has a sunroof, and the seats are much much more comfortable.

Here is the part where this whole accident becomes an EXTREMELY nice blessing.  My wheelchair use to make nicks in the paint when my husband would get it in and out of the trunk, however because I do not use it anymore the nicks in the paint have bothered me for a LONG time.  Because of where the man hit me they had to replace and paint the ENTIRE bumper!!  Which means no more nicks in my paint and I get a fresh start after I have worked so hard to lose all of this weight and ditch the wheelchair.  I am one happy happy lady.

Dear Mr. GuyWhoDoesNotLikeToStopAtRedlights,
          Thank You.
Love,
Breteni Erickson

The Photo Contest and an accident... :/

I should not have even tried to win this because, of course, somebody with their child will win.  Perhaps if my kids were here they could win too. Wait, scratch that, they WOULD win.

In other news, I got into a car accident.  It was not my fault in any way shape or form and I have a feeling the only people to get screwed by the insurance company is going to be us. The guy who hit me has the same insurance company and of course they are going to make this as cheap for themselves as they possibly can.  I am wondering if I should get a separate lawyer?

For those of you who are wondering what we decided to do about the fertility mess this month we completed the drugs (again) and we will see what doesn't happen.

I am thinking about getting a shirt made that says, "I am less than half the woman I use to be.." I think it would be fun and I also think I deserve it.


 

Lateness...and another birthday.

I went off of the fertility drugs for a month and it caused my period to be late.  This is sooooooooooo frustrating because it gives me hope that I may be pregnant.  Well that hope was sucked down the drain when it hit me yesterday like a Mack truck.  Do you know what day yesterday was?  Isaiah's birthday no doubt.

I am so tired. I am sad. I am discouraged.  I am also sick of year after year passing watching everyone else's grow and thrive and be beautiful while mine are dead and there is no hope for us to have that.

Why would God instill motherhood in my heart if he will not allow me to have it? I think it is a cruel joke and he is sitting up there on his thrown and laughing at my misery.  I wish there was two worlds, one for people WITH children and one for people WITHOUT children. If you get pregnant you automatically get thrown into the world WITH children so it does not torture those WITHOUT. 

On a lighter note we picked out our new furniture and it is going to be delivered on friday and the person buying our old furniture is getting theirs on thursday.... We are pretty excited!!

The REALLY lame part of all of this is that furniture buying is exciting because our life sucks.  The lady at the furniture said, "would you guys like the fabric protector just in case your kids spill on it and it does not come out we will replace your furniture?" I broke down in tears and collapsed into Steve's arms in the middle of the furniture store. Steve replied, "we would like the fabric protector for our bird and poodle, thanks.."

I am thankful for my husband, he is such a strong man and he loves me with his whole heart.  He makes me feel special and important when I feel like my body is useless.  He make me feel smart when Augustana kicks my butt and I feel dumb. 

Why does a sap like me deserve such a person to share her life with?!?!?  I have no clue.

Awww how time flies...

My break for school seems like it will be over before I know it... :_(  I thought this much needed break would reduce the stress in our life enough for me to become pregnant...   Yeah, not so much.

I am not going to do fertility drugs anymore because I have decided to let my body go through menopause if that is what it wants sooooo badly.  I went to the gastric bypass support group and found out the dietitian had three miscarriages and the last one caused her to have to have her fallopian tubes removed.  She is now 45 and has no children.  She explained her experiences and how she STILL longs to know what it would be like to be pregnant.. Her life is fulfilling and she has things that she has gotten involved in and enjoyed over the years that she would have never have been able to do if she had kids..

I started a hip hop dance class... kind of interesting.  Zumba, however, is still my love.  Speaking of Zumba I ordered new zumba pants, they are white and blue... I cannot wait until they get here!!



 

Another month chalked up to nothing...

I am done with the fertility drugs. There is no use in putting my body through this anymore. I am going to Heather Kuru's office and possibly scheduling a plastic surgery consult. I cannot have children so I might as well enjoy all of my hard work, and in order to do that I need this excess skin taken off.

The adoption meeting was canceled due to the weather. Ironic.

I am sooooo frustrated with all of this infertility garbage and it seems like no one cares except me and my husband. Our friends are trying to be there for us but it is hard to relate when all of their children are alive and they are not in this predicament.

On a lighter note I found out that my ZUMBA instructor had an assistant because they were undergoing infertility treatments and were taking all the necessary precautions in case this round worked. I found out that her treatments failed as well. I do not feel bad for her though because they already have a healthy son and make so much money they are going to do IVF this summer. No fears, summer will be here soon enough and THEN the suffering WILL begin for me. At least for now I do not have to watch her get what I have ALWAYS wanted.

Whatever. I am just so tired. I wish Bakannah and Isaiah were here, then this would not be a problem. I would be enjoying what it is like to have a family, instead of just dreaming..

The New Year...

I was trying to think of a New Years resolution and have decided that it is going to be to get into the bible more. When I lost my babies I stopped hearing from God and I have not felt his presence in a long time. I used to have an unshakable faith and now it is just barely hanging on. I live correctly but I have lost the relationship. In order for me to be able to have a child, or accept the fact that it is just going to be the two of us, I need to get this back. So I dusted of my daily devotionals book, "Keeping God in the Small Stuff" and started today.

Today it says, "There is no question that God is in the big events, but He delights in working in the details."

I am not one of those people that gets on a high horse and goes all religious on people, and I am certainly not trying to do that now. However, I figured I would share what is on my heart and my goals for the New Year.

And for those of you who are following our fertility journey, I thought it would be fun to advise you that I ovulated on New Years Eve... what a way to start out the New Year!!


"Do not despise these small beginnings, for the LORD rejoices to the see the work begin...."
- Zecharaiah 4:10

My only relief....ruined.

I go to ZUMBA knowing that it is the only place I can get away from the fertility world. No one has kids, no one is pregnant, no one talks about kids, we just dance. I LOVE to dance. I go there knowing I am safe from all of this pain of infertility and death of my children. However, on Bakannah's 5th birthday, I find out my Zumba instructor is pregnant and has to have another trainer fill in for her when her heart rate goes too high.

God's hate for me was proven tonight. He is up there watching me suffer. He probably is not even holding my children anymore because he is laughing soooo hard. I thought that I had one place where I can find enjoyment and now that has been sucked down the drain. I get to watch EVERYONE have my dream while my only chances are laying 6 feet under the ground.

I am writing this and crying at the same time. I have no one to hold me in my pain that can understand how bad this hurts. I pulled my car over because I was crying so hard that I could not breath or see the road through my tears.

How do I keep going when everyday is harder than the last and my faith is dwindling? I wish Jesus would take me so I can be with my babies. This world has nothing for me.

Christmas, Christmas, Christmas...

I completed my Christmas cookies (after extensive difficulties)...they turned out marvelous!

I went to my grandmother's for Christmas and ate delicious food as usual. I gave my cousin, Mandy, a hat and scarf that I crocheted myself and she absolutely loved it. I love to watch how people react to gifts, it makes me feel wonderful.

I have gone to Zumba a lot this week and it has improved my pathetic existence drastically. My instructor even gave me the Zumba magazine.... I LOVE LOVE LOVE it.

Steve and I are hosting a Christmas party for the church tomorrow, so that should be exciting... possibly.

We are trying to figure out what we are going to do about this whole fertility mess. The pastor said that we should give our lives fully to Christ and that God would bless us with a child. I, however, think that is a ridiculous statement in the fact that crack addicts and Satan worshipers have no trouble having kids. I mean believing fully in Christ is, obviously, important and is what we have done for years and for some silly reason we still have no children. I hate when people say we do not have enough patience or we need to believe in God harder.

I am sorry but if praying as hard as we do and waiting 7 years and having two dead kids is not enough to prove our faith and patience.... what is?

When will it ever be enough?

Christmas Miracle? Not sooo much..

No baby for us.. I am done. I cannot do this anymore.

Why does life have to hurt so much? I called an adoption agency (again) and much to my dismay, the extremely high cost has not changed and it appears to be an impossible option.

Bakannah would be 5 years old in 6 days and when she died I thought for sure by this time I would have another child and the pain would not be as extreme. Nope, it is killing me.

I have worked incredibly hard to lose all of this weight for nothing. I just have a whole new set of problems. I constantly fear gaining weight to the point of not wanting to eat anymore, at least when I was fat I was NOT scared of food. Plus I never even had obesity related infertility.

On a lighter note I passed all of my fall classes at Augustana regardless of my struggles, I pulled through. Unbelievable! I am so glad I stuck with it even when it seemed impossible.

I am just tired. Thanks for listening to me rant.

Is hoping for a Christmas miracle...

I am hoping that this round of fertility treatments has worked and I could give my husband a positive pregnancy test for Christmas... who am I kidding?

Thursday at 11:00am I will have finished my last final and will be running away from Augustana towards a much needed break.

We got the Christmas tree put up and it looks lovely. I hate Christmas because December 28th our daughter would be five years old. I have spent WAY to many Christmas's hoping for a child and NEVER getting one.

I went and was fitted for a bra today and the lady looks at me and says, "oh, we do not carry them that small", how freaking embarrassing. I cannot wear a training bra, that is just degrading.

Well that is about all I have to update.... Til something more interesting happens, goodbye and goodnite.

All I want for Christmas...

I want a baby for Christmas. Is that too much to ask? Bakannah would be 5 years old right now.

I finished my ASL homework that I missed from school and I feel so relieved. Now all I have to do is get through finals and I can relax and hopefully go to ZUMBA everyday.

I went to the doctor and they figured out what else is going on with my stomach, my CREST disease has flared up and is causing random pain in different places for no reason. I need to go on steroids but they do not want to use them right now while we are trying to get pregnant. Tonight is my last night of the fertility drugs and I hope this chapter of my life will be coming to an end soon. I am tired of trying to conceive. My husband, however, thinks this is a blast. Weirdo. His optimism sometimes makes me wanna hurl. And other days it is what I rely on to get me through. How did God know I needed this man to complete me?

I saw a quote the other day that I thought hit home, "Worrying does not empty tomorrow of it's troubles, it empties today of it's strength." How true is that?

THE Best Buy...

I was looking at the paper after Black Friday shopping and realized how many people would wait in line for 50% off an item. What about standing outside the church on Sunday morning waiting to get in for the gift God has for us? Everyone wants earthly things but what about Godly things? Church is free, Christ's gift of eternity has already been paid for. I think it is a shame. I will stand in line for nothing on this earth. If, however, Jesus was in Best Buy, count me in. I will pitch a tent and freeze my butt off.

I find comfort in knowing that my lord is seated at the right hand of the father and my babies are in the palm of his hand.

The Best Buy is not on the tag in a store but right in the pews of God's church.

Giving Thanks...

The day started off really rough because my husband left for work and twenty minutes later I got my period and knew the fertility drugs failed. This time, however, I was all alone on thanksgiving and not feeling like there was anything to be thankful for..

I then went and hung out with my mom for a little while, then after that proceeded to my dad's side of the family for dinner. I was looking at the ads and my dad came and laid next to me on the floor as I was talking to my cousin about what are next plan of attack was going to be pertaining to the fertility treatments and what not. My dad was quietly flipping through the ads while I was going into tears about how badly I want to give my wonderful husband children and how guilty I feel because we cannot afford to do IVF. I then noticed my father take off his glasses and he laid them on the ads. I did not think much of it at that point and kept on talking to Ian and weeping, then I noticed my dad wipe his eyes. MY dad was CRYING. I have never once in my life seen him care about me soo much to the point of tears. My dad knew nothing about how bad we have been struggling. He looked up and said (through blood shot eyes), "I never thought much of Steve until the day he was standing on that alter and it took all that man had to hold himself together while crying because he loved YOU sooooo much. I bet if Steve does not get children, he is just content in having YOU as a wife." he then proceeded to talk about how bad he felt that we are going through this and he GRABBED my hand and truly cared. I got random hugs from my dad the rest of the party and it was hard to leave because I have never experienced this from the man who had NOTHING to do with me while growing up and the only reason he walked me down the aisle was because my grandfather's knees are bad and my grandma made me ask him to.

I then came home and cooked a dinner for my mom (who I never have celebrated thanksgiving with because I was always with the other family). Which is ironic because she has been there for me all along. I made every thing that goes with a thanksgiving dinner, plus a REAL pumpkin pie. I baked the pumpkin myself. It was amazing!

Things I am thankful for:
1. God
2. My husband
3. My parents and grandparents
4. Bakannah and Isaiah
5. Great friends
6. size 4 jeans
7. Lily and Mango
8. Dawn dish soap and a dishwasher
9. pumpkin pie
10. and last but not least..............ZUMBA and ZUMBA pants!

The Hospital..

I have been sick and then all of the sudden on Monday I was in german class and completely lost my cookies. I went home thinking it was a mixture of my cold and the ulcers and then by the evening I was violently ill. Long story short I ended up in the hospital.

While I was downstairs waiting for an MRI, I heard an old man coughing and I looked around and there he was. He was so frail and thin and looked like this day was going to be one of his last. I could not help to think that everyone has a story and his story is ending with him all alone and gasping for air. I told my nurse about him and she said, "you know what is really sad? Most people do not have anyone visit with them while they are in the hospital and some die without anyone there except us."

As I sit here and type this blog my husband is sleeping upright in a very uncomfortable chair. For the last 2 days, I have not once been alone. My mother never left my side while I was in the emergency room and definitely did not leave until letting me know she loved me. Boy am I blessed to not have to be the old man gasping for his last breath with no one holding my hand.

My Birthday...

My husband and I attended the weekend to remember and it has been fantastic thus far.. My husband and I are no longer going to be volunteers but we are moving up to being on the conference team.. we are sooooo thrilled!! To impact marriages with the love of Christ is going to be amazing..

Guess what the fertility God's gave me for my birthday?!? yeah you are right, the drugs worked and I am ovulating right on my birthday and the mittleschmerz has been killing me on both sides..hopefully this is it for us...

Well I am going to go spend some time with my dear sweet husband...

Can it really get any better than this?!?

Down 3 and up 0...

Sorry it has been awhile but Augustana seems to ruin my life in more than one way...

I have done two rounds of fertility drugs with no success so we decided to take a break for a month. Well, my cycle dropped to 14 days and the reproductive endocrinologist said we either do more fertility drugs or go on birth control. That was extremely devastating considering what my husband and I have gone through to have a child. I took the drugs this month and now we are just waiting to see if they did their job.

I have gotten down to 128 lbs and the doctor says you have to minus ten pounds for excess skin so that would make me 118.. ummm a little scary. Oh well, I love ZUMBA and am doing the best I can to eat enough, so i guess that is what counts. Augustana has given me ulcers from all of the stress and they think that may contributing to my continual loss of weight...

Guess what today is??? The baby we lost in February would be due today... dang it all. We are now down three kids and up zero.

It also was my momma's birthday and so I had fun making her a funny gift.. the best part was hearing her laugh soooo hard.. laughter is the best medication.

I have made it my new goal to update this more often and to keep people informed of my crazy life.. Btw you should check out my new tune on the bottom of the screen... Like Steve said, in response to this song, "I think it pretty much says it all."

And always remember, the only thing worse than a bad day is the music not being loud enough to drown it out..

I met my sister for the first time and my husband reset the game...

I was at my grandmother's house this evening when all of the sudden my dad's daughter (Desiree) showed up to pick up her dress that my grandma had altered for her. We have never had time to talk to each other because her mom hates me and I have not had much to do with my dad so us getting to know each other never ever happened.. oddly enough we have a bit in common and I got to actually see how gorgeous of a person she is and how much of our lives we did NOT get to share. What an amazing woman and I am glad to get to call her MY sister!!

My husband called me up and asked me out on a date, so we went bowling.. Well, I am not so good at this game because of a thumb injury a few years back and have a hard time controlling the ball. Q:Why did I marry Steven? A: Because he knows me better than I know myself. He talked to the guy behind the desk and asked him to put up the bumpers and find me a lighter ball, while I was already mucking up the game by bowling with an 11 lb ball and no bumpers.. so this guy comes down and fixes the game so I have a fighting chance and then Steve said something to that guy and all of the sudden the game was reset and I had a fresh start, even though we had made wagers on what prize the winner gets, and if i won the prize was not in his favor...
Q: Who won the game? do you dare ask?
A: Me of course!!