Skin, comments, and friends that have disappeared...

I do not wear my tank tops to ZUMBA because of my embarrassment about my arms and the skin (from losing so much weight).  The last few weeks I have gotten up enough courage to wear my tank tops and Wednesday these chicks behind me said to each other, "look at her arms.." My heart sunk.  I thought, here I am mustering up the courage to NOT be hot in my favorite activity and they say something. Just as I expected.

One of my friends that I have met through my weight loss journey will no longer talk to me because she fell off the beaten path.  I feel bad, not because she has decided to not be friends with me anymore, but because I hope I am not giving people the vibe that, "if you are overweight, not eating healthy, and not working out, that you cannot be friends with me" and "I do not care about you." None of the above is true, at all.  I may not go to McDonalds or make unhealthy food choices or skip Zumba class, but that does not mean we cannot be friends... It just means I have changed my life style.  I will go to Mcdonalds or whatever I just will not eat.  I am an easy person to get along with and hang out with and a great friend (at least the last time I checked). 


Do not hate me because my body has changed, my heart and mind are still the same... That is what counts, right?

Practice...

I go through my daily life and every activity I partake in I always feel like I am practicing.  I go to Zumba and am always trying to be as good as the instructor.  I go to school and I am practicing to become a good interpreter.  I babysit my friends children and I am practicing to become a mother.  I come home and I am practicing to become a good wife.  I eat vegetables and fruit and lean meats and I am practicing to become thin.  I join a softball team and I can barely get the ball back to the pitcher let alone hit the ball with a bat.  I am simply just practicing.

I know the old saying says, "practice makes perfect."  This quote, however, to me is not motivational.  Why, you ask?  Because I feel like I am not good at anything.  I feel like everything I do has to be improved.  It feels like I am not good enough, thin enough, efficient enough, or even motherly enough.

If it were not for practice I would never get to feel accomplished when I do something correct or maybe I would feel accomplished but I would not celebrate nearly enough. You know the do-the- snoopy-dance-in-the-middle-of-class kind of feeling...

I just want to become an expert at one thing...something that people will say, "wow, your really good at that."

Perhaps I will have to practice how to take compliments, so when THAT day comes, I will be prepared.

Things that have occured to me today...

#1  As Steve and I went to lay flowers on Isaiah's grave I realized a HUGE oxy moron.  Cemetaries are solely for the living.  Why do I think this? The people who have passed away are no longer there and the only reason their bodies are there is so that their family has a way to cope with the loss.  That is it. Isaiah is no longer there, he is in heaven in God's hands and not under six feet of dirt that we stop by and visit when our hearts are hurting and lay flowers on.

#2 Everything that leaves a mark on my heart has a tendency to have some relation to pancakes.  Not because they are my favorite food, by any means, but just because I learn lessons and pancakes always seem to be involved.  For example, our first married fight was over pancake batter.  He wanted Bisquick and I wanted Krusteaz.  Needless to say we both went to bed hungry and realized that our petty fights are to be called "Just making pancakes."  Second pancakes fiasco was when I made pancakes for my brother and sister and the whole house filled up with black smoke and they gagged the pancakes down just to prove their love to me.  There are many more situations but I will save those stories for another day.  The story I wanted to talk about today took place at 'The Original Pancake House', not to be confused with IHOP.  I realized what kind of daughter I want to be to my mother and what I want my daughter to be for me.  We were eating and a middle aged woman sat with an elderly woman, who clearly had ALOT of health problems. She was in a wheelchair and her mind seemed to be slipping. The mother required a lot of care and it must have taken a fair bit of work to get her to the pancake house on a day like today.  They had finished eating and the daughter pulled out a crossword book and read each phrase to the mother and the mother would pelt out the answer.  Clearly they had done this many a time.  The daughter would then fill in the necessary answer and they would move on to the next clue.  It was one of the sweetest things I had seen in a long time.  I started crying.  After we paid for the bill I walked up to the daughter and told I want to be just like her when I grew up and she started to cry as well.. she was tired but her love for her mother was unconditional and beautiful.

Blasted ol' Pancakes always reminding my black heart to remain pink, even if only momentarily.

Guess what?

My fertility drugs failed AGAIN.. something is SERIOUSLY wrong with us.  It has now been a year of TTC with no success.

I am trying to figure out if I should call the reproductive endocrinologist again or if we should just completely throw in the towel and schedule some plastic surgery and possibly get my tubes tied so this will never be an area of concern again.  I cannot believe this.

I love my life, I love my husband, I love my pets, and I love ZUMBA. Don't get me wrong I am thankful for what I have, on the other hand this part REALLY sucks.

I feel like no one cares, or understands and I am floating through life alone.  My babies are all dead and our chances at ever having kids is pretty much null and void.

How do I accept this? Where can I go to get support? How do I fend off this depression that is lurking and waiting to completely consume me and who I am?

My weird eye disease..

Every so often my iritis acts up and causes me severe pain in one of my eyes, it is never both at the  same time (thank God).  I have now missed two days of class. Hopefully my teachers will not dock me because of my absences.. Although my teachers should not feel like their class is the only thing I missed because I have also missed ZUMBA (which NEVER happens) and I also missed hip hop dance class. Dang it.

I am also extremely exhausted.  Needless to say my poodle is enjoying this. Lily likes to go to bed at 7pm wake up at 12pm and take a nap every hour on the hour for at least 15 minutes.  My exhaustion has been her gain.

Not much else going on in my world.  Just thought I would explain my allergy to my own eye. Weird. I know.

A mishap turned blessing :D

I was getting so frustrated about the car accident but the sexy Dodge Charger has really given me a wake up call... My Buick is sooo nice, it is fully loaded, it likes to turn its own headlights on, the windows are fantastically dark, it has a sunroof, and the seats are much much more comfortable.

Here is the part where this whole accident becomes an EXTREMELY nice blessing.  My wheelchair use to make nicks in the paint when my husband would get it in and out of the trunk, however because I do not use it anymore the nicks in the paint have bothered me for a LONG time.  Because of where the man hit me they had to replace and paint the ENTIRE bumper!!  Which means no more nicks in my paint and I get a fresh start after I have worked so hard to lose all of this weight and ditch the wheelchair.  I am one happy happy lady.

Dear Mr. GuyWhoDoesNotLikeToStopAtRedlights,
          Thank You.
Love,
Breteni Erickson

The Photo Contest and an accident... :/

I should not have even tried to win this because, of course, somebody with their child will win.  Perhaps if my kids were here they could win too. Wait, scratch that, they WOULD win.

In other news, I got into a car accident.  It was not my fault in any way shape or form and I have a feeling the only people to get screwed by the insurance company is going to be us. The guy who hit me has the same insurance company and of course they are going to make this as cheap for themselves as they possibly can.  I am wondering if I should get a separate lawyer?

For those of you who are wondering what we decided to do about the fertility mess this month we completed the drugs (again) and we will see what doesn't happen.

I am thinking about getting a shirt made that says, "I am less than half the woman I use to be.." I think it would be fun and I also think I deserve it.


 

Lateness...and another birthday.

I went off of the fertility drugs for a month and it caused my period to be late.  This is sooooooooooo frustrating because it gives me hope that I may be pregnant.  Well that hope was sucked down the drain when it hit me yesterday like a Mack truck.  Do you know what day yesterday was?  Isaiah's birthday no doubt.

I am so tired. I am sad. I am discouraged.  I am also sick of year after year passing watching everyone else's grow and thrive and be beautiful while mine are dead and there is no hope for us to have that.

Why would God instill motherhood in my heart if he will not allow me to have it? I think it is a cruel joke and he is sitting up there on his thrown and laughing at my misery.  I wish there was two worlds, one for people WITH children and one for people WITHOUT children. If you get pregnant you automatically get thrown into the world WITH children so it does not torture those WITHOUT. 

On a lighter note we picked out our new furniture and it is going to be delivered on friday and the person buying our old furniture is getting theirs on thursday.... We are pretty excited!!

The REALLY lame part of all of this is that furniture buying is exciting because our life sucks.  The lady at the furniture said, "would you guys like the fabric protector just in case your kids spill on it and it does not come out we will replace your furniture?" I broke down in tears and collapsed into Steve's arms in the middle of the furniture store. Steve replied, "we would like the fabric protector for our bird and poodle, thanks.."

I am thankful for my husband, he is such a strong man and he loves me with his whole heart.  He makes me feel special and important when I feel like my body is useless.  He make me feel smart when Augustana kicks my butt and I feel dumb. 

Why does a sap like me deserve such a person to share her life with?!?!?  I have no clue.

Awww how time flies...

My break for school seems like it will be over before I know it... :_(  I thought this much needed break would reduce the stress in our life enough for me to become pregnant...   Yeah, not so much.

I am not going to do fertility drugs anymore because I have decided to let my body go through menopause if that is what it wants sooooo badly.  I went to the gastric bypass support group and found out the dietitian had three miscarriages and the last one caused her to have to have her fallopian tubes removed.  She is now 45 and has no children.  She explained her experiences and how she STILL longs to know what it would be like to be pregnant.. Her life is fulfilling and she has things that she has gotten involved in and enjoyed over the years that she would have never have been able to do if she had kids..

I started a hip hop dance class... kind of interesting.  Zumba, however, is still my love.  Speaking of Zumba I ordered new zumba pants, they are white and blue... I cannot wait until they get here!!



 

Another month chalked up to nothing...

I am done with the fertility drugs. There is no use in putting my body through this anymore. I am going to Heather Kuru's office and possibly scheduling a plastic surgery consult. I cannot have children so I might as well enjoy all of my hard work, and in order to do that I need this excess skin taken off.

The adoption meeting was canceled due to the weather. Ironic.

I am sooooo frustrated with all of this infertility garbage and it seems like no one cares except me and my husband. Our friends are trying to be there for us but it is hard to relate when all of their children are alive and they are not in this predicament.

On a lighter note I found out that my ZUMBA instructor had an assistant because they were undergoing infertility treatments and were taking all the necessary precautions in case this round worked. I found out that her treatments failed as well. I do not feel bad for her though because they already have a healthy son and make so much money they are going to do IVF this summer. No fears, summer will be here soon enough and THEN the suffering WILL begin for me. At least for now I do not have to watch her get what I have ALWAYS wanted.

Whatever. I am just so tired. I wish Bakannah and Isaiah were here, then this would not be a problem. I would be enjoying what it is like to have a family, instead of just dreaming..

The New Year...

I was trying to think of a New Years resolution and have decided that it is going to be to get into the bible more. When I lost my babies I stopped hearing from God and I have not felt his presence in a long time. I used to have an unshakable faith and now it is just barely hanging on. I live correctly but I have lost the relationship. In order for me to be able to have a child, or accept the fact that it is just going to be the two of us, I need to get this back. So I dusted of my daily devotionals book, "Keeping God in the Small Stuff" and started today.

Today it says, "There is no question that God is in the big events, but He delights in working in the details."

I am not one of those people that gets on a high horse and goes all religious on people, and I am certainly not trying to do that now. However, I figured I would share what is on my heart and my goals for the New Year.

And for those of you who are following our fertility journey, I thought it would be fun to advise you that I ovulated on New Years Eve... what a way to start out the New Year!!


"Do not despise these small beginnings, for the LORD rejoices to the see the work begin...."
- Zecharaiah 4:10

My only relief....ruined.

I go to ZUMBA knowing that it is the only place I can get away from the fertility world. No one has kids, no one is pregnant, no one talks about kids, we just dance. I LOVE to dance. I go there knowing I am safe from all of this pain of infertility and death of my children. However, on Bakannah's 5th birthday, I find out my Zumba instructor is pregnant and has to have another trainer fill in for her when her heart rate goes too high.

God's hate for me was proven tonight. He is up there watching me suffer. He probably is not even holding my children anymore because he is laughing soooo hard. I thought that I had one place where I can find enjoyment and now that has been sucked down the drain. I get to watch EVERYONE have my dream while my only chances are laying 6 feet under the ground.

I am writing this and crying at the same time. I have no one to hold me in my pain that can understand how bad this hurts. I pulled my car over because I was crying so hard that I could not breath or see the road through my tears.

How do I keep going when everyday is harder than the last and my faith is dwindling? I wish Jesus would take me so I can be with my babies. This world has nothing for me.

Christmas, Christmas, Christmas...

I completed my Christmas cookies (after extensive difficulties)...they turned out marvelous!

I went to my grandmother's for Christmas and ate delicious food as usual. I gave my cousin, Mandy, a hat and scarf that I crocheted myself and she absolutely loved it. I love to watch how people react to gifts, it makes me feel wonderful.

I have gone to Zumba a lot this week and it has improved my pathetic existence drastically. My instructor even gave me the Zumba magazine.... I LOVE LOVE LOVE it.

Steve and I are hosting a Christmas party for the church tomorrow, so that should be exciting... possibly.

We are trying to figure out what we are going to do about this whole fertility mess. The pastor said that we should give our lives fully to Christ and that God would bless us with a child. I, however, think that is a ridiculous statement in the fact that crack addicts and Satan worshipers have no trouble having kids. I mean believing fully in Christ is, obviously, important and is what we have done for years and for some silly reason we still have no children. I hate when people say we do not have enough patience or we need to believe in God harder.

I am sorry but if praying as hard as we do and waiting 7 years and having two dead kids is not enough to prove our faith and patience.... what is?

When will it ever be enough?

Christmas Miracle? Not sooo much..

No baby for us.. I am done. I cannot do this anymore.

Why does life have to hurt so much? I called an adoption agency (again) and much to my dismay, the extremely high cost has not changed and it appears to be an impossible option.

Bakannah would be 5 years old in 6 days and when she died I thought for sure by this time I would have another child and the pain would not be as extreme. Nope, it is killing me.

I have worked incredibly hard to lose all of this weight for nothing. I just have a whole new set of problems. I constantly fear gaining weight to the point of not wanting to eat anymore, at least when I was fat I was NOT scared of food. Plus I never even had obesity related infertility.

On a lighter note I passed all of my fall classes at Augustana regardless of my struggles, I pulled through. Unbelievable! I am so glad I stuck with it even when it seemed impossible.

I am just tired. Thanks for listening to me rant.

Is hoping for a Christmas miracle...

I am hoping that this round of fertility treatments has worked and I could give my husband a positive pregnancy test for Christmas... who am I kidding?

Thursday at 11:00am I will have finished my last final and will be running away from Augustana towards a much needed break.

We got the Christmas tree put up and it looks lovely. I hate Christmas because December 28th our daughter would be five years old. I have spent WAY to many Christmas's hoping for a child and NEVER getting one.

I went and was fitted for a bra today and the lady looks at me and says, "oh, we do not carry them that small", how freaking embarrassing. I cannot wear a training bra, that is just degrading.

Well that is about all I have to update.... Til something more interesting happens, goodbye and goodnite.

All I want for Christmas...

I want a baby for Christmas. Is that too much to ask? Bakannah would be 5 years old right now.

I finished my ASL homework that I missed from school and I feel so relieved. Now all I have to do is get through finals and I can relax and hopefully go to ZUMBA everyday.

I went to the doctor and they figured out what else is going on with my stomach, my CREST disease has flared up and is causing random pain in different places for no reason. I need to go on steroids but they do not want to use them right now while we are trying to get pregnant. Tonight is my last night of the fertility drugs and I hope this chapter of my life will be coming to an end soon. I am tired of trying to conceive. My husband, however, thinks this is a blast. Weirdo. His optimism sometimes makes me wanna hurl. And other days it is what I rely on to get me through. How did God know I needed this man to complete me?

I saw a quote the other day that I thought hit home, "Worrying does not empty tomorrow of it's troubles, it empties today of it's strength." How true is that?

THE Best Buy...

I was looking at the paper after Black Friday shopping and realized how many people would wait in line for 50% off an item. What about standing outside the church on Sunday morning waiting to get in for the gift God has for us? Everyone wants earthly things but what about Godly things? Church is free, Christ's gift of eternity has already been paid for. I think it is a shame. I will stand in line for nothing on this earth. If, however, Jesus was in Best Buy, count me in. I will pitch a tent and freeze my butt off.

I find comfort in knowing that my lord is seated at the right hand of the father and my babies are in the palm of his hand.

The Best Buy is not on the tag in a store but right in the pews of God's church.

Giving Thanks...

The day started off really rough because my husband left for work and twenty minutes later I got my period and knew the fertility drugs failed. This time, however, I was all alone on thanksgiving and not feeling like there was anything to be thankful for..

I then went and hung out with my mom for a little while, then after that proceeded to my dad's side of the family for dinner. I was looking at the ads and my dad came and laid next to me on the floor as I was talking to my cousin about what are next plan of attack was going to be pertaining to the fertility treatments and what not. My dad was quietly flipping through the ads while I was going into tears about how badly I want to give my wonderful husband children and how guilty I feel because we cannot afford to do IVF. I then noticed my father take off his glasses and he laid them on the ads. I did not think much of it at that point and kept on talking to Ian and weeping, then I noticed my dad wipe his eyes. MY dad was CRYING. I have never once in my life seen him care about me soo much to the point of tears. My dad knew nothing about how bad we have been struggling. He looked up and said (through blood shot eyes), "I never thought much of Steve until the day he was standing on that alter and it took all that man had to hold himself together while crying because he loved YOU sooooo much. I bet if Steve does not get children, he is just content in having YOU as a wife." he then proceeded to talk about how bad he felt that we are going through this and he GRABBED my hand and truly cared. I got random hugs from my dad the rest of the party and it was hard to leave because I have never experienced this from the man who had NOTHING to do with me while growing up and the only reason he walked me down the aisle was because my grandfather's knees are bad and my grandma made me ask him to.

I then came home and cooked a dinner for my mom (who I never have celebrated thanksgiving with because I was always with the other family). Which is ironic because she has been there for me all along. I made every thing that goes with a thanksgiving dinner, plus a REAL pumpkin pie. I baked the pumpkin myself. It was amazing!

Things I am thankful for:
1. God
2. My husband
3. My parents and grandparents
4. Bakannah and Isaiah
5. Great friends
6. size 4 jeans
7. Lily and Mango
8. Dawn dish soap and a dishwasher
9. pumpkin pie
10. and last but not least..............ZUMBA and ZUMBA pants!

The Hospital..

I have been sick and then all of the sudden on Monday I was in german class and completely lost my cookies. I went home thinking it was a mixture of my cold and the ulcers and then by the evening I was violently ill. Long story short I ended up in the hospital.

While I was downstairs waiting for an MRI, I heard an old man coughing and I looked around and there he was. He was so frail and thin and looked like this day was going to be one of his last. I could not help to think that everyone has a story and his story is ending with him all alone and gasping for air. I told my nurse about him and she said, "you know what is really sad? Most people do not have anyone visit with them while they are in the hospital and some die without anyone there except us."

As I sit here and type this blog my husband is sleeping upright in a very uncomfortable chair. For the last 2 days, I have not once been alone. My mother never left my side while I was in the emergency room and definitely did not leave until letting me know she loved me. Boy am I blessed to not have to be the old man gasping for his last breath with no one holding my hand.

My Birthday...

My husband and I attended the weekend to remember and it has been fantastic thus far.. My husband and I are no longer going to be volunteers but we are moving up to being on the conference team.. we are sooooo thrilled!! To impact marriages with the love of Christ is going to be amazing..

Guess what the fertility God's gave me for my birthday?!? yeah you are right, the drugs worked and I am ovulating right on my birthday and the mittleschmerz has been killing me on both sides..hopefully this is it for us...

Well I am going to go spend some time with my dear sweet husband...

Can it really get any better than this?!?

Down 3 and up 0...

Sorry it has been awhile but Augustana seems to ruin my life in more than one way...

I have done two rounds of fertility drugs with no success so we decided to take a break for a month. Well, my cycle dropped to 14 days and the reproductive endocrinologist said we either do more fertility drugs or go on birth control. That was extremely devastating considering what my husband and I have gone through to have a child. I took the drugs this month and now we are just waiting to see if they did their job.

I have gotten down to 128 lbs and the doctor says you have to minus ten pounds for excess skin so that would make me 118.. ummm a little scary. Oh well, I love ZUMBA and am doing the best I can to eat enough, so i guess that is what counts. Augustana has given me ulcers from all of the stress and they think that may contributing to my continual loss of weight...

Guess what today is??? The baby we lost in February would be due today... dang it all. We are now down three kids and up zero.

It also was my momma's birthday and so I had fun making her a funny gift.. the best part was hearing her laugh soooo hard.. laughter is the best medication.

I have made it my new goal to update this more often and to keep people informed of my crazy life.. Btw you should check out my new tune on the bottom of the screen... Like Steve said, in response to this song, "I think it pretty much says it all."

And always remember, the only thing worse than a bad day is the music not being loud enough to drown it out..

I met my sister for the first time and my husband reset the game...

I was at my grandmother's house this evening when all of the sudden my dad's daughter (Desiree) showed up to pick up her dress that my grandma had altered for her. We have never had time to talk to each other because her mom hates me and I have not had much to do with my dad so us getting to know each other never ever happened.. oddly enough we have a bit in common and I got to actually see how gorgeous of a person she is and how much of our lives we did NOT get to share. What an amazing woman and I am glad to get to call her MY sister!!

My husband called me up and asked me out on a date, so we went bowling.. Well, I am not so good at this game because of a thumb injury a few years back and have a hard time controlling the ball. Q:Why did I marry Steven? A: Because he knows me better than I know myself. He talked to the guy behind the desk and asked him to put up the bumpers and find me a lighter ball, while I was already mucking up the game by bowling with an 11 lb ball and no bumpers.. so this guy comes down and fixes the game so I have a fighting chance and then Steve said something to that guy and all of the sudden the game was reset and I had a fresh start, even though we had made wagers on what prize the winner gets, and if i won the prize was not in his favor...
Q: Who won the game? do you dare ask?
A: Me of course!!

I know, I know it has been waaaaayyy too long....

Well, we got a bit of a kick in the face. I found out I have premature ovarian failure and we have 6 months (a year if we are incredibly lucky) to get pregnant before I nose dive into menopause.. With that said we were told to get pregnant as fast as we could and to help with the situation we started new fertility drugs. The one thing that has been hard is the choice to continue this with no guaranteed results and a whole lot of money being spent with nothing to show for it.. scary and heart wrenching all at the same time. Not to be selfish, but out of everyone I know I feel like we deserve a child the most. I know that sounds awful but we have been through sooooo much and worked sooooo hard and I feel like EVERYONE but us gets blessed with a family. We lost our first child long before any of our friends even knew their significant other and yet we still are being left behind..

Even at Lifelight it was slammed in my face, one of the artists had not even been married for a year and their first child is due in 4 weeks.. I almost wanted to barf!! That just ticks me off..

Ok, I am done venting. My anger is why I have not blogged in awhile, I do not want to drag everyone down with my frustration but sometimes I just need somewhere to go that I do not have to listen to any cliches in an attempt to make me feel better..anyone who has suffered with infertility knows what I am talking about, "everything happens for a reason", "in God's time", "maybe you should purchase (adopt) a kid", etc...

Sometimes I just need someone to listen and possibly give me a hug, is that too much too ask?

it has been awhile....

I went to Rapid City and had a great time with my momma in-law and our church family.. I also got to see Hailey again!!!

I had some more blood work done and I am going to get treatment for what is causing our infertility... if we get a baby it will be purely by the grace of God.

Turn the volume up on your computer and check out my new song, it is dedicated to my fantastic husband.. he has been such a good support to me and he needs to be recognized for it because it seems like I am keeping it together when truly he is the one behind me picking up my pieces and gluing them back on..

"It's okay, I've got my shoes..."

The five most important things to me that stem from the family reunion..

God
He blessed me with a family who accepts me and supports me just as I am while creating a new one in my home.

Family
A family reunion that altered my life.

Lessons
I taught my father how to drink out of a Camelback water bottle while riding on the boat and enjoying the scenery. I also learned of a new goal that I would like to achieve within the next ten years: adopting a child with a disability.

Blessings
A chance to spend time with my brother whom I have NEVER gotten to spend time with alone. He sure is a good kid!! Laughing so hard until my stomach muscles ached and making memories with people that mean the world to me.

A little girl who has changed my mind and forever captured my heart.
I spent alot of time with Hailley and have discovered my new calling. I am going to adopt a child with a disability after I graduate college. She has arthrogryposis and it causes ALL of her joints to freeze. She is sooooo smart and she reminds me of myself. I was talking to her about her sneakers and how adorable they were. She asked me if we could go play this game with pieces that you put on a game board and I replied, " that game is all the way in the other cabin and that is a long way to walk" and she said to me, "It's okay, I've got my shoes.." I have never had someone snag my heart in such a small amount of time. I love her with my whole heart and I would love to offer another child the love I feel for her..

Darn it all anyways...

I got a not so good phone call from the reproductive endocrinologist. The nurse tried to be gentle but how do you tell someone everything they have done has not helped and their goal is not attainable?

I lost my phone and it is evidently shut off because it goes straight to voicemail, so that is buckets of fun.

I also watched Isaac. He is such a cute little guy, but he likes to NOT take naps and yell at you about it while jumping in his jumperoo and demanding to eat all at the same time.

Yesterday was a hard one. I can only hope today is better.

Oh what changes in one year..

If you want to watch the video you can turn the music off by scrolling all the way down to the bottom of this page and hit the pause button on my ipod...

Last year on the fourth of July I had just gotten out of the hospital from complications from the gastric bypass and was on a strict liquid diet. I cried and cried and cried some more because I was so hungry and the food smelled sooo good and I could not even touch it. Then someone said to me, "just wait, next year you will be sitting here wearing that sundress you always dreamed of and you will eat like the rest of us, only much thinner..." I have held on to that statement and have done exactly what was said. I posted the pics of the dress as well as a video of my favorite firework ever (I go back and get the same one every year).

Today was an amazing day and I do not regret the surgery, my life, or last fourth of July. I would do it again to have the life I have to day.

The funny thing about today was that when I went to shoot off fireworks my mom said, "you should probably change your clothes because you do not want to get small burns on your dress and you can run away from the fire faster..." So I went in to the house and put on my fourteen year old sisters clothes and came back out and continued creating explosions.

Who would have known I could wear HER clothes?!?!?

Pretty sweet...not gonna lie.

I went to Zumba today after not going for a week because my instructor was gone and it wooped my butt. I convinced a lady from my church to go with me and she fell in love as well, so in other words I snagged me a Zumba buddy. YAY!!!! So, as I was walking in to the wellness center, I saw the lady that lead the weight watcher's meetings and so she went to Zumba as well, and also loved it. Zumba buddy #2 coming right up!

Zumba makes me feel sexy and I love it.

If I do not get pregnant this month I am going to the Zumba convention and Zumbaing with the best.... I am sooo pumped.

Life is GOOD!

Father's Day...

I know it has been a long while since I last blogged, but I have been enjoying my summer and have been on the computer less.

Another unsuccessful month in the fertility world, clearly shutting off your brain and letting go does not help this chick.

I went and saw the gastric bypass doctor and he told me to stop losing weight before I waste away to nothing. I said "fine." Although clearly my obesity was not what was hindering my ability to have children. If so, I am still not thin enough. I will worry if I hit 120lbs, until then I am not scared.

My father said, "well, your thinner, just don't gain it back." I am like,"thanks." I am tired of people being discouraging just because I had the gastric bypass... if I lost my weight by doing weight watchers or the gastric bypass, who cares? They are both complicated and life altering, I sure as hell did not take the easy way out no matter what anyone says. If you have not been there, you have no place to talk. Mean people suck! *sigh*

"I am different, it has changed everything."

My story is now up on the Sanford website and I think they did a fantastic job. It has really helped me see what I have accomplished, and that is saying a lot because most days I feel like I am a complete and utter failure.

It pretty much says it at the end, "I am different, it has changed everything."

http://www.sanfordhealth.org/mystory

I got to watch Byron while Maria had Hudson....

I was so excited to get the opportunity to watch Byron. We went and got a haircut, we went to the dog park with Bailey and Lily, and the lil guy helped me make muffins this morning. I got to watch my husband step in and help take care of him and I stepped back and thought to myself, what a fantastic dad he will be. I returned him to his mom and dad today and as me and Steve were pulling away from Mckennan it got eerily quiet until we both looked at each other and said, "I feel empty, we should really have children..."

So now we have decided we are going to go camping this weekend and on a date this evening after he changes the oil in my car... we have to keep our minds in the now because hoping for children is depressing us. The time of year is not helping either between Mother's Day, Memorial Day, and Father's Day we get no reprieve....mostly just a big slap in the face.

My car has started making a funny noise and the mechanics think it is the wheel bearing (spelling?). Kind of is a disappointment because we will not be able to just go on spontaneous trips anymore until we get it repaired.. dang it all anyways.

Oh well, "Every new day brings the possibility of a miracle".....

My new decision...

I have decided no more fertility drugs, no more opks, nothing. I am going to let go and let God. A good friend told me the other day, "when I did opks and tests that is all I focused on and I was soo disappointed when it did not work, so I decided to just quit and if it happened it happened if it did not we would deal with that when we got there. I was just feeling like I lost a whole month of my life, and I was not going to let that happen again." So, MY new decision is to let go of all of this and just see what happens when I take time to just enjoy my husband and my life as it is.

My new quote, "If you spend all of your time racing toward the future, you might discover you've left a great present behind."

We have a family, just without human babies, but rather with fur and feather babies. Trust me they can be just as crazy, demanding, and adorable as human ones.

The results for this month are in.....

Did you seriously think it was going to work for us?? Yeah well, it didn't. I think we should just quit trying because obviously there is something wrong and the doctors cannot tell us and fat was not the correct answer.

My poor momma was in alot of pain so I took her to the doc just so they could tell us to go somewhere else tomorrow.. Hopefully they can help us, this is way to miserable.

Got my new glasses to replace the ones mango chewed on... they look nice I just need to get use to them.

Life is too hard somedays, I just need to find a rock (my bed) and crawl under it (the blankets). I will start over tomorrow.

4 more days until I find out if my hope is not false...

I hope this is our month.. I have waited long enough. The pastor said, "Do you ever wonder,'when is it going to be your turn, are you tired of watching everyone else's blessings and wondering where is your's?'. I was thinking in my head ummmmmmmmmmmmm yes, yes i do almost every freaking day.

I did get my grades back so Augustana is going to have to continue dealing with me, nyuk nyuk.

My husband decided to join a softball team with a few of our friends, I am excited to cheer him on/publicly humiliate him with my public displays of support, "go super duper chocolate bear!!".. I have a feeling this will be great.

Lily got a poodle haircut and looks adorable and summery (if that is even a word).

How on earth??

I went to the hospital yesterday to see my friend who was in a massive car accident and it was more than I could handle. She had to have her arm amputated and her head stitched back together because she was scalped.. horrid. All I could do was cry...

On a lighter note I have nine days left until we find find out if these fertility drugs worked... *sigh*

I got to hang out with my friends and hang out with their babies.. living vicariously through others. Isaac tried out his johnny jumper and had a blast!! I read him the story, "there's another monster at the end of this book." This was a good day!!

Finals are finally over!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Good riddens to augustana for at leat 2 weeks... I dred that place :-(

Eleven more days of waiting...

I talked to the doctor today about having more than one positive opk and he said it just increases my chances for this month. Good, now I can stop worrying.

I went to an event for Deaf awareness last nite and got to see one of my teacher's house. It was soooo beautiful. I brought a fruit pizza thankfully it was all eaten, that way it did not have to come back to my house and tempt us to eat it.

Finals are this week and then I will be out of school for a little bit, at least until I have to take precalculus this summer. I am also going to be taking literature, yuck!! It will be nice to have those two classes out of the way tho.

In the 2ww and hoping this is the last one. We had a break down in the Hyvee parking lot a few days ago, my poor husband really misses his babies. Tears were just pouring down his face. It absolutely breaks my heart..

Any Ideas of how to uniquely break the news of being pregnant to your husband?? I need good ideas... for the future.

Positively absolutely...

So I finally got a positive opk... I am really excited because I thought the drugs had screwed everything up... YAY!!!

Went rummage saling again and got a new pair of dress slacks for $1.00, I also got a pregnancy journal for .50... just in case it ever happens, if not, it is not a big loss. It was the journal they sell at Barnes and Noble for $20.00, I like it alot, I always wanted one with Isaiah.

Hoping and praying this is OUR month....

Just waiting....

I went to ZUMBA and found out there is a conference that you can be certified to become a ZUMBA instructor... that would be soooo fun. If I did not look like a sloppy mess, I would totally do it.

One more day of class and then finals are next week and it will all be over with... YAY! Augustana is like being a sanitation worker for a porta-potty company. Everyday stinks and you come home feeling like crap.

I am so thankful my friend Nicki came to ZUMBA with me because it makes me feel like my interests count and are not just a stupid obsession..

The fertility drugs have postponed my ovulation day so I continue to wait for the opks to go positive... hopefully soon so I can continue on with my hope that this could be OUR month.

A rather great day in the neighborhood..

I got a new pair of ZUMBA pants because my other pair fell half way off in the middle of ZUMBA last week.. perfectly embarassing, I am aware..

I also got a new pair of tennis shoes, quite a beautiful thing.

But the biggest news of today was I met my teacher again and got a Journey Necklace that is soooo pretty it is beyond words. I even cried.

I had an overall substantially great day... thanks to my new shoes, a pair of pants that stay on, and a new necklace to top it off..

Wonderful.

Tired of waiting...

I am so sick and tired of watching and waiting for it to be our turn... I say to steve, "why can't we have a family?". He says, "it's not that we can't have a family, it is just taking us ALOT longer."

I think that this whole thing is so rediculously unfair. Perhaps having kids is overrated and we should just throw in the towel. I get so sick of hearing about all of it..it is all people talk about. Nobody talks about life without talking about their kids, pregnancies, and babies. No one talks about health problems, WEIGHT LOSS, hair falling out, clothes not fitting correctly, excess skin that is unattractive, or dresses they always wished they could fit into.. It's all about family. Not for me tho, I have nothing in common.. all I have to talk about is how I was once a lard butt and now I am just straight up nasty.

Ok I am done. Thanks for listening to my rant. I will just crawl back into the hole I just came barreling out of.