Lucky.

Recently, Kamiyah's wish to go to Disney World became a reality.  We spent 7 days and 6 nights at Give Kids the World (GKTW) in Florida. If you don't know what that is google it and be prepared to have your mind blown. It is nothing short of astonishing and the most exclusive resort humanly imaginable.  Why? It is a place where only terminally ill kids are welcome. 

That's right. A place you can only go to if you have been told there is nothing else they can do and to make the best of what time you have.

I say it was amazing, however, I can also say it is a very harsh awakening to the reality of our situation.  I live day to day in a fog of denial about what is affecting Kamiyah. It has become a way of living and we get accustomed to the looks, the stares, the episodes that don't allow her to shower alone, the fact that driving will never be an option for her, and swimming is out of the question (she thinks she is a fish).  I never realized that these obstacles could be gone because a community of other people are abnormal too. Falling and dropping your food in the dining hall is expected and handled as if it never happened.  At GKTW, these problems don't exist, no one stares, the outdoor pool is heated so she can swim freely, and the carousel has a strap that prevents her from falling off the mythical pony she has always wanted to ride. 

While at Disney world a person in line got mad that we were moved to the front of every line.  She snarked, "they are lucky." Before we left home we were told by multiple people how lucky we are. 

The truth is I would trade my spot in line for Kamiyah to be healthy. I would swap our all-expense- paid-vacation to wake up every day not worrying about how Kamiyah would ever function if I were to pass away.  Trading this magical trip for all the days I have spent in hospitals begging for an answer would happen in a heartbeat if it were an option. 

But guess what?!?  It's not.  When I get off of that ride and go back home the seriousness of Kamiyah's situation will be the same.  Her medical expenses will pile up on my desk and the concern of her future will continue to be on my shoulders. 

You can call us many things... strong, brave, amazing, grateful, and mighty.  "Lucky", however, is not one of them.  

Our trip to Kamiyah. Magical.  The trip to us...bittersweet and beautiful.  I would never ever ever call our trip "lucky." 

And neither should anyone else. 

 

25 things you might not know about me...

I have seen a few blogs do this such as this one  (my favorite) and thought it could be fun soooo.... here goes!


1. I didn't go to college right out of high school because I didn't want to be required to live on campus with a roommate because I feared they would steal my underwear. To this day everyone in my family knows my undergarments are off limits. I will only buy them at Sams club. Weird. I know.

2. I cried at Kamiyah's ultrasound for 25 minutes when I found out she was a girl. I was quite concerned about what was going to happen to her hair and I had no idea how to manage it. She is part African American. She has the most beautiful hair I have ever seen.

3. I applied to Augustana just to see if I could get accepted. When I did I was like "huh, well I hope I succeed." And I did.

4. I met my husband on tinder because of a $50 bet from a girlfriend. I met an amazing man. I also made $50.

5. I am passionate about 80's love songs and will win a lip sync battle hands down. Especially in the car. While driving.

6. I despise coffee. Even the smell.

7. All the girls in my family have the same middle name. On purpose.

8. Being pregnant made me ragey. They say you forget over time. I haven't and won't. My brain hurts just thinking about it. I need more control than what pregnancy has to offer.

9. I led a group of woman to sew 156 dresses and we clothed an entire village (the young girls) just south of Sierra Leone Africa. Most had never had their own dress before. I plan to do it again.

10. I never drank alcohol until I was 30 years old and to this day cannot drink much at all. I will talk a big game. I will also only take one sip.

11. If you have dove chocolate covered cherries, sparkling coconut water, and Cheetos I will join you on a road trip. You better bring your "A" game, your phone charger, and good selection of music because I am relentless about #5.

12. I make to do lists and conquer them at mach speed. My husband sometimes takes them and adds smooches just to get a rise out of me. I refuse to cross them off the list because you never know when he may need a few more.

13. My favorite movie is Pete's Dragon but then again I like Willow, Date Night, Liar Liar, Children of a Lesser God, Harold and Maude, Monty Pithon and the Holy Grail, and The Shack and will more then likely call them my favorite too. I can't help it.

14. I married (and divorced) a man who almost broke me. What you may not know is that I only wish good things for him. He is doing well.

15. If I could have my way I would live anywhere my people are. I just want them close by.

16. I name my vehicles. My current car's name is Sally.

17. I use music to cope. The louder it is the more stress I am trying to drown out. My car does well with this and she understands me.

18. I hate getting up early on weekdays but get up early on weekends because I can't handle wasting the day. I can't explain it. It will never change. I sometimes whine about it.

19. I climb up the crazy tree if I get too hungry. I also cannot make decisions wisely while up said tree.

20. My family is not perfect because I am in it. I love them anyway. No matter what.

21. I once judged people who got divorced and thought they didn't try hard enough. God has a way of putting us in our place. I was wrong.

22. I gave a speech in college and wore a bra that connected in the front. It came undone half way through my speech. I have never had a nice chest and this did not workout in my favor. I somehow got a good grade but it was probably because the teacher felt sorry for me.

23. My bucket list actually exists in paper form and I have crossed quite a bit off. I have yet to see "Ellen" live but I have talked to her on the phone for 9 seconds.

24. I never wanted more than two kids. We have 3 total and I wouldn't change one moment of it. I struggle with calling them my step kids because they have my heart as if I have had them all along. It showed me how adopted kids are loved just as much if not more and it makes sense. For this I am grateful.

25. I cannot stand baby food peas, cocoa butter lotion, or country music. I firmly believe if I were to visit hell all three things would be there. Hence the fact I have a savior.

Making this list has been amazing and you should do it too.

Thanks little old house.

I got to thinking the other day... I know... brace yourself.

Divorce and remarriage is remarkably similar to selling an old house and buying a new one.

When you approached the old house it looked like it had been through alot. It also seemed as though it was functional, full of potential, and the damage that existed was repairable. Not permanent.

Perhaps the damage could be costly and require quite a bit of time but in the end it could be worth it.

So you get busy and you start working on projects to better the situation. You throw up a new door, you repaint a few rooms, you have massive dumpsters hauled out to get rid of the years that have collected in the unused spaces.

You may run into a hornets nest. You might realize the one dumpster wasn't enough. Getting so exhausted and deciding to just sell the house as is and let come what may might also become a possibility because you know you are in over your head.

The one thing you do know, for sure, is that no matter what happens you will leave this house better than you found it. The adventure of trying would be worth the effort and lessons could be learned along the way.

Then someone wants to buy the house. They see the charm that it possesses and thinks it is worth the battle.

All of the sudden the repairs that you did not want to deal with have to be dealt with in order to meet the requirements of the buyer's mortgage.

By now you are committed. You have even signed the contracts and gathered up moving boxes.

All of the things that happened to the house in the past come back because sweeping the problems under the rug no longer works when the rug is removed from the picture. The house needs more paint, a hand rail, a chimney removed, steps repaired, ceilings scraped, drywall replaced, cracks filled, holes sealed with rubber patches, septic systems pumped, etc...

But here is the kicker. You can't move on until you do it. The hard work needs to be completed before you can enjoy what lies ahead.

You cry, you pray, you call those in your immediate circle, you negotiate with contractors, you establish your limits, then you start knocking away one issue at a time.

Then and only then will you realize how deeply you love the person you came upon this little old house for.

The house was not the problem. What happened to the person in that house is what has to be overcome and then it sinks in.... how you feel is nothing in comparison to what he must be going through. He was abandoned in this sinking ship and he is well aware that this should not be your problem and he is deeply saddened that it is.

I love him enough to:

- paint in the cold
- spend hours in the old basement
- wade through inches of water at 3am
- support the local hardware store single handedly
- read pages upon pages of home repair instructions
- get high off of rustoleum and paint the door knob and forget how it happened
- spend entire seasons plotting and fixing and throwing things away
- foot the bill when finances get stretched thin

He loves me enough to:

- do the entire above list
- remain optimistic
- take my calls of sheer panic
- shelter our kids from the stress
- pray from his heart when we can't take anymore

And to be quite frank... I would do it all over again if it meant I would get to spend the rest of my life by his side.

Once this storm is over there will be a new adventure and I am willing to bet that we will use these lessons from the old house to weather whatever comes our way. Together.

Thanks little old house. Enjoy your new owner. I have a feeling she will look back and thank you too.

~Breteni



Could it really get any better than this? I am excited to find out. <3 p="">