My only relief....ruined.

I go to ZUMBA knowing that it is the only place I can get away from the fertility world. No one has kids, no one is pregnant, no one talks about kids, we just dance. I LOVE to dance. I go there knowing I am safe from all of this pain of infertility and death of my children. However, on Bakannah's 5th birthday, I find out my Zumba instructor is pregnant and has to have another trainer fill in for her when her heart rate goes too high.

God's hate for me was proven tonight. He is up there watching me suffer. He probably is not even holding my children anymore because he is laughing soooo hard. I thought that I had one place where I can find enjoyment and now that has been sucked down the drain. I get to watch EVERYONE have my dream while my only chances are laying 6 feet under the ground.

I am writing this and crying at the same time. I have no one to hold me in my pain that can understand how bad this hurts. I pulled my car over because I was crying so hard that I could not breath or see the road through my tears.

How do I keep going when everyday is harder than the last and my faith is dwindling? I wish Jesus would take me so I can be with my babies. This world has nothing for me.

Christmas, Christmas, Christmas...

I completed my Christmas cookies (after extensive difficulties)...they turned out marvelous!

I went to my grandmother's for Christmas and ate delicious food as usual. I gave my cousin, Mandy, a hat and scarf that I crocheted myself and she absolutely loved it. I love to watch how people react to gifts, it makes me feel wonderful.

I have gone to Zumba a lot this week and it has improved my pathetic existence drastically. My instructor even gave me the Zumba magazine.... I LOVE LOVE LOVE it.

Steve and I are hosting a Christmas party for the church tomorrow, so that should be exciting... possibly.

We are trying to figure out what we are going to do about this whole fertility mess. The pastor said that we should give our lives fully to Christ and that God would bless us with a child. I, however, think that is a ridiculous statement in the fact that crack addicts and Satan worshipers have no trouble having kids. I mean believing fully in Christ is, obviously, important and is what we have done for years and for some silly reason we still have no children. I hate when people say we do not have enough patience or we need to believe in God harder.

I am sorry but if praying as hard as we do and waiting 7 years and having two dead kids is not enough to prove our faith and patience.... what is?

When will it ever be enough?

Christmas Miracle? Not sooo much..

No baby for us.. I am done. I cannot do this anymore.

Why does life have to hurt so much? I called an adoption agency (again) and much to my dismay, the extremely high cost has not changed and it appears to be an impossible option.

Bakannah would be 5 years old in 6 days and when she died I thought for sure by this time I would have another child and the pain would not be as extreme. Nope, it is killing me.

I have worked incredibly hard to lose all of this weight for nothing. I just have a whole new set of problems. I constantly fear gaining weight to the point of not wanting to eat anymore, at least when I was fat I was NOT scared of food. Plus I never even had obesity related infertility.

On a lighter note I passed all of my fall classes at Augustana regardless of my struggles, I pulled through. Unbelievable! I am so glad I stuck with it even when it seemed impossible.

I am just tired. Thanks for listening to me rant.

Is hoping for a Christmas miracle...

I am hoping that this round of fertility treatments has worked and I could give my husband a positive pregnancy test for Christmas... who am I kidding?

Thursday at 11:00am I will have finished my last final and will be running away from Augustana towards a much needed break.

We got the Christmas tree put up and it looks lovely. I hate Christmas because December 28th our daughter would be five years old. I have spent WAY to many Christmas's hoping for a child and NEVER getting one.

I went and was fitted for a bra today and the lady looks at me and says, "oh, we do not carry them that small", how freaking embarrassing. I cannot wear a training bra, that is just degrading.

Well that is about all I have to update.... Til something more interesting happens, goodbye and goodnite.

All I want for Christmas...

I want a baby for Christmas. Is that too much to ask? Bakannah would be 5 years old right now.

I finished my ASL homework that I missed from school and I feel so relieved. Now all I have to do is get through finals and I can relax and hopefully go to ZUMBA everyday.

I went to the doctor and they figured out what else is going on with my stomach, my CREST disease has flared up and is causing random pain in different places for no reason. I need to go on steroids but they do not want to use them right now while we are trying to get pregnant. Tonight is my last night of the fertility drugs and I hope this chapter of my life will be coming to an end soon. I am tired of trying to conceive. My husband, however, thinks this is a blast. Weirdo. His optimism sometimes makes me wanna hurl. And other days it is what I rely on to get me through. How did God know I needed this man to complete me?

I saw a quote the other day that I thought hit home, "Worrying does not empty tomorrow of it's troubles, it empties today of it's strength." How true is that?