Awww how time flies...

My break for school seems like it will be over before I know it... :_(  I thought this much needed break would reduce the stress in our life enough for me to become pregnant...   Yeah, not so much.

I am not going to do fertility drugs anymore because I have decided to let my body go through menopause if that is what it wants sooooo badly.  I went to the gastric bypass support group and found out the dietitian had three miscarriages and the last one caused her to have to have her fallopian tubes removed.  She is now 45 and has no children.  She explained her experiences and how she STILL longs to know what it would be like to be pregnant.. Her life is fulfilling and she has things that she has gotten involved in and enjoyed over the years that she would have never have been able to do if she had kids..

I started a hip hop dance class... kind of interesting.  Zumba, however, is still my love.  Speaking of Zumba I ordered new zumba pants, they are white and blue... I cannot wait until they get here!!



 

Another month chalked up to nothing...

I am done with the fertility drugs. There is no use in putting my body through this anymore. I am going to Heather Kuru's office and possibly scheduling a plastic surgery consult. I cannot have children so I might as well enjoy all of my hard work, and in order to do that I need this excess skin taken off.

The adoption meeting was canceled due to the weather. Ironic.

I am sooooo frustrated with all of this infertility garbage and it seems like no one cares except me and my husband. Our friends are trying to be there for us but it is hard to relate when all of their children are alive and they are not in this predicament.

On a lighter note I found out that my ZUMBA instructor had an assistant because they were undergoing infertility treatments and were taking all the necessary precautions in case this round worked. I found out that her treatments failed as well. I do not feel bad for her though because they already have a healthy son and make so much money they are going to do IVF this summer. No fears, summer will be here soon enough and THEN the suffering WILL begin for me. At least for now I do not have to watch her get what I have ALWAYS wanted.

Whatever. I am just so tired. I wish Bakannah and Isaiah were here, then this would not be a problem. I would be enjoying what it is like to have a family, instead of just dreaming..

The New Year...

I was trying to think of a New Years resolution and have decided that it is going to be to get into the bible more. When I lost my babies I stopped hearing from God and I have not felt his presence in a long time. I used to have an unshakable faith and now it is just barely hanging on. I live correctly but I have lost the relationship. In order for me to be able to have a child, or accept the fact that it is just going to be the two of us, I need to get this back. So I dusted of my daily devotionals book, "Keeping God in the Small Stuff" and started today.

Today it says, "There is no question that God is in the big events, but He delights in working in the details."

I am not one of those people that gets on a high horse and goes all religious on people, and I am certainly not trying to do that now. However, I figured I would share what is on my heart and my goals for the New Year.

And for those of you who are following our fertility journey, I thought it would be fun to advise you that I ovulated on New Years Eve... what a way to start out the New Year!!


"Do not despise these small beginnings, for the LORD rejoices to the see the work begin...."
- Zecharaiah 4:10