The Penguins
When I was growing up I would march in the parade of lights with my grandpa dressed as penguins and pass out candy to traffic as they drove down my grandparent's street during Christmas time. The street was called penguins point. To get to the point of today, my aunt promised to take my grandparents to the new movie, "Mr. Popper's Penguins", and she also invited Steve and I to come along. Of course, I was rolling in laughter through the whole movie because I love birds and Jim Carrey has also been known to rock my world on more than one occasion. The best part of the movie, however, was when my aunt got my grandfather the headphones that made the volume of the movie louder and so he thought he had to talk louder and in one of the scenes he says "that penguin pooped!! that is soo funny." My aunt then had to answer his question, "how did they get the penguins to do all of that?" in which she replied, "they are computer graphics" and he said, "no there not, they are real." I am not sure what was funnier the movie or my grandfather and all of his glory. Before entering the theater he told Steve he was dropping popcorn and yet when we were walking away from the scene of the crime the trail of popcorn was circling my grandpa and my aunt says, "popcorn tells no lies grandpa." My family is so goofy and I guess that explains what happened to me..
The Pool
My friends little guy Isaac had swimming lessons tonight and we tagged along. I feel so blessed to be included in his life and all of the activities that he embarks upon. I stuffed him full of marshmallows before going to the pool so I feel like I did my job. Spoil and return, then repeat.
The Meltdown
I get so sick of watching everyone else get the desires of OUR heart and it seems like everything is handed to them on a silver platter as where Steve and I struggle and fight for everything we have. I am not mad that we have to earn everything but some of the things we go through to get what we want is just ridiculous. To have a kid I lose 194lbs, pay boat loads of money for infertility treatments and still have nothing to show for all of it except for a grave site. I fought to get into school. I fight for our marriage everyday. I fought to create a better life for myself. I fight to hold onto the little bit of faith I have left. I fought to get our nice home. Everything we have I have fought and fought and fought to get and it seems like for other people everything comes by so simply. I watch people that do not struggle with weight, they have kids without even trying,they marry their high school sweetheart, their parents make sure their wedding is unbelievably gorgeous, they buy a home, and everything seems to always be just fine. My wedding was simple and my parents did not pay for it, I was fat and now I am a bit smaller, I do not own an expensive house, I have been trying for a family for 7 years and have no kids. Sometimes I just wish other people would feel our pain. But guess what? No one does. At the end of the day my husband and I curl into a ball and comfort each other because our hearts hurt so bad. Not just for our children that passed away but for the future we have to endure without a family.
I had the above meltdown on my friends couch this evening and she said to me, "you need to be happy where your at, because no matter what happens, if you are not happy with how you are today you never will be." "we think you are great just the way you are, we like you for who you are not what you have or how many kids your raising."
I am so busy trying to improve my life that I never just get the chance to enjoy where I am at right now. This week I am going to enjoy THIS moment, where I am at right now.
I shall scrape myself up off of the ground enjoy my friends, pets, and husband just as they are today.....
