My only relief....ruined.

I go to ZUMBA knowing that it is the only place I can get away from the fertility world. No one has kids, no one is pregnant, no one talks about kids, we just dance. I LOVE to dance. I go there knowing I am safe from all of this pain of infertility and death of my children. However, on Bakannah's 5th birthday, I find out my Zumba instructor is pregnant and has to have another trainer fill in for her when her heart rate goes too high.

God's hate for me was proven tonight. He is up there watching me suffer. He probably is not even holding my children anymore because he is laughing soooo hard. I thought that I had one place where I can find enjoyment and now that has been sucked down the drain. I get to watch EVERYONE have my dream while my only chances are laying 6 feet under the ground.

I am writing this and crying at the same time. I have no one to hold me in my pain that can understand how bad this hurts. I pulled my car over because I was crying so hard that I could not breath or see the road through my tears.

How do I keep going when everyday is harder than the last and my faith is dwindling? I wish Jesus would take me so I can be with my babies. This world has nothing for me.

Christmas, Christmas, Christmas...

I completed my Christmas cookies (after extensive difficulties)...they turned out marvelous!

I went to my grandmother's for Christmas and ate delicious food as usual. I gave my cousin, Mandy, a hat and scarf that I crocheted myself and she absolutely loved it. I love to watch how people react to gifts, it makes me feel wonderful.

I have gone to Zumba a lot this week and it has improved my pathetic existence drastically. My instructor even gave me the Zumba magazine.... I LOVE LOVE LOVE it.

Steve and I are hosting a Christmas party for the church tomorrow, so that should be exciting... possibly.

We are trying to figure out what we are going to do about this whole fertility mess. The pastor said that we should give our lives fully to Christ and that God would bless us with a child. I, however, think that is a ridiculous statement in the fact that crack addicts and Satan worshipers have no trouble having kids. I mean believing fully in Christ is, obviously, important and is what we have done for years and for some silly reason we still have no children. I hate when people say we do not have enough patience or we need to believe in God harder.

I am sorry but if praying as hard as we do and waiting 7 years and having two dead kids is not enough to prove our faith and patience.... what is?

When will it ever be enough?

Christmas Miracle? Not sooo much..

No baby for us.. I am done. I cannot do this anymore.

Why does life have to hurt so much? I called an adoption agency (again) and much to my dismay, the extremely high cost has not changed and it appears to be an impossible option.

Bakannah would be 5 years old in 6 days and when she died I thought for sure by this time I would have another child and the pain would not be as extreme. Nope, it is killing me.

I have worked incredibly hard to lose all of this weight for nothing. I just have a whole new set of problems. I constantly fear gaining weight to the point of not wanting to eat anymore, at least when I was fat I was NOT scared of food. Plus I never even had obesity related infertility.

On a lighter note I passed all of my fall classes at Augustana regardless of my struggles, I pulled through. Unbelievable! I am so glad I stuck with it even when it seemed impossible.

I am just tired. Thanks for listening to me rant.

Is hoping for a Christmas miracle...

I am hoping that this round of fertility treatments has worked and I could give my husband a positive pregnancy test for Christmas... who am I kidding?

Thursday at 11:00am I will have finished my last final and will be running away from Augustana towards a much needed break.

We got the Christmas tree put up and it looks lovely. I hate Christmas because December 28th our daughter would be five years old. I have spent WAY to many Christmas's hoping for a child and NEVER getting one.

I went and was fitted for a bra today and the lady looks at me and says, "oh, we do not carry them that small", how freaking embarrassing. I cannot wear a training bra, that is just degrading.

Well that is about all I have to update.... Til something more interesting happens, goodbye and goodnite.

All I want for Christmas...

I want a baby for Christmas. Is that too much to ask? Bakannah would be 5 years old right now.

I finished my ASL homework that I missed from school and I feel so relieved. Now all I have to do is get through finals and I can relax and hopefully go to ZUMBA everyday.

I went to the doctor and they figured out what else is going on with my stomach, my CREST disease has flared up and is causing random pain in different places for no reason. I need to go on steroids but they do not want to use them right now while we are trying to get pregnant. Tonight is my last night of the fertility drugs and I hope this chapter of my life will be coming to an end soon. I am tired of trying to conceive. My husband, however, thinks this is a blast. Weirdo. His optimism sometimes makes me wanna hurl. And other days it is what I rely on to get me through. How did God know I needed this man to complete me?

I saw a quote the other day that I thought hit home, "Worrying does not empty tomorrow of it's troubles, it empties today of it's strength." How true is that?

THE Best Buy...

I was looking at the paper after Black Friday shopping and realized how many people would wait in line for 50% off an item. What about standing outside the church on Sunday morning waiting to get in for the gift God has for us? Everyone wants earthly things but what about Godly things? Church is free, Christ's gift of eternity has already been paid for. I think it is a shame. I will stand in line for nothing on this earth. If, however, Jesus was in Best Buy, count me in. I will pitch a tent and freeze my butt off.

I find comfort in knowing that my lord is seated at the right hand of the father and my babies are in the palm of his hand.

The Best Buy is not on the tag in a store but right in the pews of God's church.

Giving Thanks...

The day started off really rough because my husband left for work and twenty minutes later I got my period and knew the fertility drugs failed. This time, however, I was all alone on thanksgiving and not feeling like there was anything to be thankful for..

I then went and hung out with my mom for a little while, then after that proceeded to my dad's side of the family for dinner. I was looking at the ads and my dad came and laid next to me on the floor as I was talking to my cousin about what are next plan of attack was going to be pertaining to the fertility treatments and what not. My dad was quietly flipping through the ads while I was going into tears about how badly I want to give my wonderful husband children and how guilty I feel because we cannot afford to do IVF. I then noticed my father take off his glasses and he laid them on the ads. I did not think much of it at that point and kept on talking to Ian and weeping, then I noticed my dad wipe his eyes. MY dad was CRYING. I have never once in my life seen him care about me soo much to the point of tears. My dad knew nothing about how bad we have been struggling. He looked up and said (through blood shot eyes), "I never thought much of Steve until the day he was standing on that alter and it took all that man had to hold himself together while crying because he loved YOU sooooo much. I bet if Steve does not get children, he is just content in having YOU as a wife." he then proceeded to talk about how bad he felt that we are going through this and he GRABBED my hand and truly cared. I got random hugs from my dad the rest of the party and it was hard to leave because I have never experienced this from the man who had NOTHING to do with me while growing up and the only reason he walked me down the aisle was because my grandfather's knees are bad and my grandma made me ask him to.

I then came home and cooked a dinner for my mom (who I never have celebrated thanksgiving with because I was always with the other family). Which is ironic because she has been there for me all along. I made every thing that goes with a thanksgiving dinner, plus a REAL pumpkin pie. I baked the pumpkin myself. It was amazing!

Things I am thankful for:
1. God
2. My husband
3. My parents and grandparents
4. Bakannah and Isaiah
5. Great friends
6. size 4 jeans
7. Lily and Mango
8. Dawn dish soap and a dishwasher
9. pumpkin pie
10. and last but not least..............ZUMBA and ZUMBA pants!

The Hospital..

I have been sick and then all of the sudden on Monday I was in german class and completely lost my cookies. I went home thinking it was a mixture of my cold and the ulcers and then by the evening I was violently ill. Long story short I ended up in the hospital.

While I was downstairs waiting for an MRI, I heard an old man coughing and I looked around and there he was. He was so frail and thin and looked like this day was going to be one of his last. I could not help to think that everyone has a story and his story is ending with him all alone and gasping for air. I told my nurse about him and she said, "you know what is really sad? Most people do not have anyone visit with them while they are in the hospital and some die without anyone there except us."

As I sit here and type this blog my husband is sleeping upright in a very uncomfortable chair. For the last 2 days, I have not once been alone. My mother never left my side while I was in the emergency room and definitely did not leave until letting me know she loved me. Boy am I blessed to not have to be the old man gasping for his last breath with no one holding my hand.

My Birthday...

My husband and I attended the weekend to remember and it has been fantastic thus far.. My husband and I are no longer going to be volunteers but we are moving up to being on the conference team.. we are sooooo thrilled!! To impact marriages with the love of Christ is going to be amazing..

Guess what the fertility God's gave me for my birthday?!? yeah you are right, the drugs worked and I am ovulating right on my birthday and the mittleschmerz has been killing me on both sides..hopefully this is it for us...

Well I am going to go spend some time with my dear sweet husband...

Can it really get any better than this?!?

Down 3 and up 0...

Sorry it has been awhile but Augustana seems to ruin my life in more than one way...

I have done two rounds of fertility drugs with no success so we decided to take a break for a month. Well, my cycle dropped to 14 days and the reproductive endocrinologist said we either do more fertility drugs or go on birth control. That was extremely devastating considering what my husband and I have gone through to have a child. I took the drugs this month and now we are just waiting to see if they did their job.

I have gotten down to 128 lbs and the doctor says you have to minus ten pounds for excess skin so that would make me 118.. ummm a little scary. Oh well, I love ZUMBA and am doing the best I can to eat enough, so i guess that is what counts. Augustana has given me ulcers from all of the stress and they think that may contributing to my continual loss of weight...

Guess what today is??? The baby we lost in February would be due today... dang it all. We are now down three kids and up zero.

It also was my momma's birthday and so I had fun making her a funny gift.. the best part was hearing her laugh soooo hard.. laughter is the best medication.

I have made it my new goal to update this more often and to keep people informed of my crazy life.. Btw you should check out my new tune on the bottom of the screen... Like Steve said, in response to this song, "I think it pretty much says it all."

And always remember, the only thing worse than a bad day is the music not being loud enough to drown it out..

I met my sister for the first time and my husband reset the game...

I was at my grandmother's house this evening when all of the sudden my dad's daughter (Desiree) showed up to pick up her dress that my grandma had altered for her. We have never had time to talk to each other because her mom hates me and I have not had much to do with my dad so us getting to know each other never ever happened.. oddly enough we have a bit in common and I got to actually see how gorgeous of a person she is and how much of our lives we did NOT get to share. What an amazing woman and I am glad to get to call her MY sister!!

My husband called me up and asked me out on a date, so we went bowling.. Well, I am not so good at this game because of a thumb injury a few years back and have a hard time controlling the ball. Q:Why did I marry Steven? A: Because he knows me better than I know myself. He talked to the guy behind the desk and asked him to put up the bumpers and find me a lighter ball, while I was already mucking up the game by bowling with an 11 lb ball and no bumpers.. so this guy comes down and fixes the game so I have a fighting chance and then Steve said something to that guy and all of the sudden the game was reset and I had a fresh start, even though we had made wagers on what prize the winner gets, and if i won the prize was not in his favor...
Q: Who won the game? do you dare ask?
A: Me of course!!

I know, I know it has been waaaaayyy too long....

Well, we got a bit of a kick in the face. I found out I have premature ovarian failure and we have 6 months (a year if we are incredibly lucky) to get pregnant before I nose dive into menopause.. With that said we were told to get pregnant as fast as we could and to help with the situation we started new fertility drugs. The one thing that has been hard is the choice to continue this with no guaranteed results and a whole lot of money being spent with nothing to show for it.. scary and heart wrenching all at the same time. Not to be selfish, but out of everyone I know I feel like we deserve a child the most. I know that sounds awful but we have been through sooooo much and worked sooooo hard and I feel like EVERYONE but us gets blessed with a family. We lost our first child long before any of our friends even knew their significant other and yet we still are being left behind..

Even at Lifelight it was slammed in my face, one of the artists had not even been married for a year and their first child is due in 4 weeks.. I almost wanted to barf!! That just ticks me off..

Ok, I am done venting. My anger is why I have not blogged in awhile, I do not want to drag everyone down with my frustration but sometimes I just need somewhere to go that I do not have to listen to any cliches in an attempt to make me feel better..anyone who has suffered with infertility knows what I am talking about, "everything happens for a reason", "in God's time", "maybe you should purchase (adopt) a kid", etc...

Sometimes I just need someone to listen and possibly give me a hug, is that too much too ask?

it has been awhile....

I went to Rapid City and had a great time with my momma in-law and our church family.. I also got to see Hailey again!!!

I had some more blood work done and I am going to get treatment for what is causing our infertility... if we get a baby it will be purely by the grace of God.

Turn the volume up on your computer and check out my new song, it is dedicated to my fantastic husband.. he has been such a good support to me and he needs to be recognized for it because it seems like I am keeping it together when truly he is the one behind me picking up my pieces and gluing them back on..

"It's okay, I've got my shoes..."

The five most important things to me that stem from the family reunion..

God
He blessed me with a family who accepts me and supports me just as I am while creating a new one in my home.

Family
A family reunion that altered my life.

Lessons
I taught my father how to drink out of a Camelback water bottle while riding on the boat and enjoying the scenery. I also learned of a new goal that I would like to achieve within the next ten years: adopting a child with a disability.

Blessings
A chance to spend time with my brother whom I have NEVER gotten to spend time with alone. He sure is a good kid!! Laughing so hard until my stomach muscles ached and making memories with people that mean the world to me.

A little girl who has changed my mind and forever captured my heart.
I spent alot of time with Hailley and have discovered my new calling. I am going to adopt a child with a disability after I graduate college. She has arthrogryposis and it causes ALL of her joints to freeze. She is sooooo smart and she reminds me of myself. I was talking to her about her sneakers and how adorable they were. She asked me if we could go play this game with pieces that you put on a game board and I replied, " that game is all the way in the other cabin and that is a long way to walk" and she said to me, "It's okay, I've got my shoes.." I have never had someone snag my heart in such a small amount of time. I love her with my whole heart and I would love to offer another child the love I feel for her..

Darn it all anyways...

I got a not so good phone call from the reproductive endocrinologist. The nurse tried to be gentle but how do you tell someone everything they have done has not helped and their goal is not attainable?

I lost my phone and it is evidently shut off because it goes straight to voicemail, so that is buckets of fun.

I also watched Isaac. He is such a cute little guy, but he likes to NOT take naps and yell at you about it while jumping in his jumperoo and demanding to eat all at the same time.

Yesterday was a hard one. I can only hope today is better.

Oh what changes in one year..

If you want to watch the video you can turn the music off by scrolling all the way down to the bottom of this page and hit the pause button on my ipod...

Last year on the fourth of July I had just gotten out of the hospital from complications from the gastric bypass and was on a strict liquid diet. I cried and cried and cried some more because I was so hungry and the food smelled sooo good and I could not even touch it. Then someone said to me, "just wait, next year you will be sitting here wearing that sundress you always dreamed of and you will eat like the rest of us, only much thinner..." I have held on to that statement and have done exactly what was said. I posted the pics of the dress as well as a video of my favorite firework ever (I go back and get the same one every year).

Today was an amazing day and I do not regret the surgery, my life, or last fourth of July. I would do it again to have the life I have to day.

The funny thing about today was that when I went to shoot off fireworks my mom said, "you should probably change your clothes because you do not want to get small burns on your dress and you can run away from the fire faster..." So I went in to the house and put on my fourteen year old sisters clothes and came back out and continued creating explosions.

Who would have known I could wear HER clothes?!?!?

Pretty sweet...not gonna lie.

I went to Zumba today after not going for a week because my instructor was gone and it wooped my butt. I convinced a lady from my church to go with me and she fell in love as well, so in other words I snagged me a Zumba buddy. YAY!!!! So, as I was walking in to the wellness center, I saw the lady that lead the weight watcher's meetings and so she went to Zumba as well, and also loved it. Zumba buddy #2 coming right up!

Zumba makes me feel sexy and I love it.

If I do not get pregnant this month I am going to the Zumba convention and Zumbaing with the best.... I am sooo pumped.

Life is GOOD!

Father's Day...

I know it has been a long while since I last blogged, but I have been enjoying my summer and have been on the computer less.

Another unsuccessful month in the fertility world, clearly shutting off your brain and letting go does not help this chick.

I went and saw the gastric bypass doctor and he told me to stop losing weight before I waste away to nothing. I said "fine." Although clearly my obesity was not what was hindering my ability to have children. If so, I am still not thin enough. I will worry if I hit 120lbs, until then I am not scared.

My father said, "well, your thinner, just don't gain it back." I am like,"thanks." I am tired of people being discouraging just because I had the gastric bypass... if I lost my weight by doing weight watchers or the gastric bypass, who cares? They are both complicated and life altering, I sure as hell did not take the easy way out no matter what anyone says. If you have not been there, you have no place to talk. Mean people suck! *sigh*

"I am different, it has changed everything."

My story is now up on the Sanford website and I think they did a fantastic job. It has really helped me see what I have accomplished, and that is saying a lot because most days I feel like I am a complete and utter failure.

It pretty much says it at the end, "I am different, it has changed everything."

http://www.sanfordhealth.org/mystory

I got to watch Byron while Maria had Hudson....

I was so excited to get the opportunity to watch Byron. We went and got a haircut, we went to the dog park with Bailey and Lily, and the lil guy helped me make muffins this morning. I got to watch my husband step in and help take care of him and I stepped back and thought to myself, what a fantastic dad he will be. I returned him to his mom and dad today and as me and Steve were pulling away from Mckennan it got eerily quiet until we both looked at each other and said, "I feel empty, we should really have children..."

So now we have decided we are going to go camping this weekend and on a date this evening after he changes the oil in my car... we have to keep our minds in the now because hoping for children is depressing us. The time of year is not helping either between Mother's Day, Memorial Day, and Father's Day we get no reprieve....mostly just a big slap in the face.

My car has started making a funny noise and the mechanics think it is the wheel bearing (spelling?). Kind of is a disappointment because we will not be able to just go on spontaneous trips anymore until we get it repaired.. dang it all anyways.

Oh well, "Every new day brings the possibility of a miracle".....

My new decision...

I have decided no more fertility drugs, no more opks, nothing. I am going to let go and let God. A good friend told me the other day, "when I did opks and tests that is all I focused on and I was soo disappointed when it did not work, so I decided to just quit and if it happened it happened if it did not we would deal with that when we got there. I was just feeling like I lost a whole month of my life, and I was not going to let that happen again." So, MY new decision is to let go of all of this and just see what happens when I take time to just enjoy my husband and my life as it is.

My new quote, "If you spend all of your time racing toward the future, you might discover you've left a great present behind."

We have a family, just without human babies, but rather with fur and feather babies. Trust me they can be just as crazy, demanding, and adorable as human ones.

The results for this month are in.....

Did you seriously think it was going to work for us?? Yeah well, it didn't. I think we should just quit trying because obviously there is something wrong and the doctors cannot tell us and fat was not the correct answer.

My poor momma was in alot of pain so I took her to the doc just so they could tell us to go somewhere else tomorrow.. Hopefully they can help us, this is way to miserable.

Got my new glasses to replace the ones mango chewed on... they look nice I just need to get use to them.

Life is too hard somedays, I just need to find a rock (my bed) and crawl under it (the blankets). I will start over tomorrow.

4 more days until I find out if my hope is not false...

I hope this is our month.. I have waited long enough. The pastor said, "Do you ever wonder,'when is it going to be your turn, are you tired of watching everyone else's blessings and wondering where is your's?'. I was thinking in my head ummmmmmmmmmmmm yes, yes i do almost every freaking day.

I did get my grades back so Augustana is going to have to continue dealing with me, nyuk nyuk.

My husband decided to join a softball team with a few of our friends, I am excited to cheer him on/publicly humiliate him with my public displays of support, "go super duper chocolate bear!!".. I have a feeling this will be great.

Lily got a poodle haircut and looks adorable and summery (if that is even a word).

How on earth??

I went to the hospital yesterday to see my friend who was in a massive car accident and it was more than I could handle. She had to have her arm amputated and her head stitched back together because she was scalped.. horrid. All I could do was cry...

On a lighter note I have nine days left until we find find out if these fertility drugs worked... *sigh*

I got to hang out with my friends and hang out with their babies.. living vicariously through others. Isaac tried out his johnny jumper and had a blast!! I read him the story, "there's another monster at the end of this book." This was a good day!!

Finals are finally over!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Good riddens to augustana for at leat 2 weeks... I dred that place :-(

Eleven more days of waiting...

I talked to the doctor today about having more than one positive opk and he said it just increases my chances for this month. Good, now I can stop worrying.

I went to an event for Deaf awareness last nite and got to see one of my teacher's house. It was soooo beautiful. I brought a fruit pizza thankfully it was all eaten, that way it did not have to come back to my house and tempt us to eat it.

Finals are this week and then I will be out of school for a little bit, at least until I have to take precalculus this summer. I am also going to be taking literature, yuck!! It will be nice to have those two classes out of the way tho.

In the 2ww and hoping this is the last one. We had a break down in the Hyvee parking lot a few days ago, my poor husband really misses his babies. Tears were just pouring down his face. It absolutely breaks my heart..

Any Ideas of how to uniquely break the news of being pregnant to your husband?? I need good ideas... for the future.

Positively absolutely...

So I finally got a positive opk... I am really excited because I thought the drugs had screwed everything up... YAY!!!

Went rummage saling again and got a new pair of dress slacks for $1.00, I also got a pregnancy journal for .50... just in case it ever happens, if not, it is not a big loss. It was the journal they sell at Barnes and Noble for $20.00, I like it alot, I always wanted one with Isaiah.

Hoping and praying this is OUR month....

Just waiting....

I went to ZUMBA and found out there is a conference that you can be certified to become a ZUMBA instructor... that would be soooo fun. If I did not look like a sloppy mess, I would totally do it.

One more day of class and then finals are next week and it will all be over with... YAY! Augustana is like being a sanitation worker for a porta-potty company. Everyday stinks and you come home feeling like crap.

I am so thankful my friend Nicki came to ZUMBA with me because it makes me feel like my interests count and are not just a stupid obsession..

The fertility drugs have postponed my ovulation day so I continue to wait for the opks to go positive... hopefully soon so I can continue on with my hope that this could be OUR month.

A rather great day in the neighborhood..

I got a new pair of ZUMBA pants because my other pair fell half way off in the middle of ZUMBA last week.. perfectly embarassing, I am aware..

I also got a new pair of tennis shoes, quite a beautiful thing.

But the biggest news of today was I met my teacher again and got a Journey Necklace that is soooo pretty it is beyond words. I even cried.

I had an overall substantially great day... thanks to my new shoes, a pair of pants that stay on, and a new necklace to top it off..

Wonderful.

Tired of waiting...

I am so sick and tired of watching and waiting for it to be our turn... I say to steve, "why can't we have a family?". He says, "it's not that we can't have a family, it is just taking us ALOT longer."

I think that this whole thing is so rediculously unfair. Perhaps having kids is overrated and we should just throw in the towel. I get so sick of hearing about all of it..it is all people talk about. Nobody talks about life without talking about their kids, pregnancies, and babies. No one talks about health problems, WEIGHT LOSS, hair falling out, clothes not fitting correctly, excess skin that is unattractive, or dresses they always wished they could fit into.. It's all about family. Not for me tho, I have nothing in common.. all I have to talk about is how I was once a lard butt and now I am just straight up nasty.

Ok I am done. Thanks for listening to my rant. I will just crawl back into the hole I just came barreling out of.

Mother's Day.....

What a drag.. from everyone on facebook saying "Happy Mother's Day" to the cashier at the registers in stores saying, "Happy Mother's Day." I just wanna get sick. In fact I did get sick my stomach hurt so bad I thought I was gonna lose my cookies twice (stress related, no doubt). I even had to pull my car over because I was in tears. My dear husband tried to make it better, but who can improve hell?

Last day of the fertility drugs.. yippee.

I woke up and tried on all the new clothes I got from rummage sales and fell in love with my new gouchos... it is kinda neat to be able to buy clothes from a rummage sale..

Hopefully next year we will be looking back at this years mother's day and being saying, "that was just a drop in the bucket." " Look at us now."

4 years old, 2 years old, or 4 months in utero.....

Those are my children. All have gone to be in a better place. And yet I will sit here on mother's day and be empty handed. A black hole in my heart, where my children once remained, empty. I am not going to church. I do not need it rubbed in.

*sigh*

When is it going to be MY turn?

Just one and I will give it up. I would even settle to have back the ones I had... just not alone, not forever.

Another day closer to the finish line...

I went to class and am happy to say, I am one day closer to being done with this lousy semester..

I also went to ZUMBA and after just about losing my pants completely, right there on the dance floor, I decided it was time to buy a smaller pair...

I also went to the firehouse and caught up with some friends I had not seen in over a year and they did not recognize me.. one of them kept hugging me because she could not believe I was that small... that was awkward and yet interesting..

Day 2 of the drugs down three more days to go... I am not particularly fond of them, hopefully this will be the last time we have to take them.

Saw one of my Journey people today and that was amazing.. as usual.. she bought me a salad that had strawberries, grilled chicken, pecans, cherry tomatoes, and blue cheese crumbles with raspberry vinaigrette.... yummy! She also got me a gift that had not been delivered yet and I am soooo curious to find out what it is... What a fantastic woman, mother, and friend!!

Overall the day was a complete success!!

Looking forward to tomorrow...

I have had a different sort of day. I spent some well needed time with my husband. I also went to Hobby Lobby to get some beads for my bracelets that I make to match all of my outfits, ever since I lost this weight I feel sexy and I find it to be fun to be a woman. I think once school is out I am going to make anklets too..

I cannot wait until tomorrow because I am going to meet one of my favorite journey people for lunch!! I am sad that she is moving away though... she will be missed very much :'(

I start the fertility drugs today so we will see what happens, hopefully this is our month.. I am excited to see what lies ahead for us in the future, I just hope it includes a light brown kiddo.

Augustana confuses me.... I stole the baby.... I hugged my father.... ZUMBA!

First thing, I went to ASL class today and did my presentation and I got an 'A'. How am I suppose to give up and drop out with a grade like that?

Second thing, I was leaving the school and saw my father in the parking lot,we talked for a bit so that was nice.... weird.

Third thing someone trusted me with their baby (or i stole it and have conveniently forgotten when). I got to watch Scott and Katie's baby cakes, what a gem. I love that little guy sooo much.

Fourth thing the fertility doc called and asked if I wanted to do fertility drugs this month and see if we can speed this up a bit... haha 6 years is kinda long to wait.

And last but not least I am going to ZUMBA after missing it for a week cuz the instructor was gone and I think her fill in is a nut job....

oh yeah, I now need hairspray to hold down the short hairs on the top of my head from when I lost my hair from the gastric bypass.... well at least it is growing back, alot better than the alternative!!

Well... here it is.

I am sure that most of the people that will be following this blog already know alot about me.. So I will keep it short and as relatively simple as is humanly possible. I have had quite an interesting life. I met my husband in 2004, got pregnant with Bakannnah in 2005, she passed away, got pregnant with Isaiah in 2007, he passed away, got married in 2008, went through 19 months of infertility treatments only to find out I had obesity related infertility and that a family was not in the cards for us unless I lost 120lbs.... So, I had the gastric bypass done in June of 2009. I have officially lost 143 lbs and got pregnant in February with the baby we call snickers.. I then proceeded to have a miscarriage after everything I went through... I am starting this blog to have somewhere to go and vent the day to day things I struggle with from the way the gastric bypass has altered my life to the fact that I am still struggling with fertility issues... so hang on buckle up because the BEST is yet to come....