My new decision...

I have decided no more fertility drugs, no more opks, nothing. I am going to let go and let God. A good friend told me the other day, "when I did opks and tests that is all I focused on and I was soo disappointed when it did not work, so I decided to just quit and if it happened it happened if it did not we would deal with that when we got there. I was just feeling like I lost a whole month of my life, and I was not going to let that happen again." So, MY new decision is to let go of all of this and just see what happens when I take time to just enjoy my husband and my life as it is.

My new quote, "If you spend all of your time racing toward the future, you might discover you've left a great present behind."

We have a family, just without human babies, but rather with fur and feather babies. Trust me they can be just as crazy, demanding, and adorable as human ones.

The results for this month are in.....

Did you seriously think it was going to work for us?? Yeah well, it didn't. I think we should just quit trying because obviously there is something wrong and the doctors cannot tell us and fat was not the correct answer.

My poor momma was in alot of pain so I took her to the doc just so they could tell us to go somewhere else tomorrow.. Hopefully they can help us, this is way to miserable.

Got my new glasses to replace the ones mango chewed on... they look nice I just need to get use to them.

Life is too hard somedays, I just need to find a rock (my bed) and crawl under it (the blankets). I will start over tomorrow.

4 more days until I find out if my hope is not false...

I hope this is our month.. I have waited long enough. The pastor said, "Do you ever wonder,'when is it going to be your turn, are you tired of watching everyone else's blessings and wondering where is your's?'. I was thinking in my head ummmmmmmmmmmmm yes, yes i do almost every freaking day.

I did get my grades back so Augustana is going to have to continue dealing with me, nyuk nyuk.

My husband decided to join a softball team with a few of our friends, I am excited to cheer him on/publicly humiliate him with my public displays of support, "go super duper chocolate bear!!".. I have a feeling this will be great.

Lily got a poodle haircut and looks adorable and summery (if that is even a word).

How on earth??

I went to the hospital yesterday to see my friend who was in a massive car accident and it was more than I could handle. She had to have her arm amputated and her head stitched back together because she was scalped.. horrid. All I could do was cry...

On a lighter note I have nine days left until we find find out if these fertility drugs worked... *sigh*

I got to hang out with my friends and hang out with their babies.. living vicariously through others. Isaac tried out his johnny jumper and had a blast!! I read him the story, "there's another monster at the end of this book." This was a good day!!

Finals are finally over!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Good riddens to augustana for at leat 2 weeks... I dred that place :-(

Eleven more days of waiting...

I talked to the doctor today about having more than one positive opk and he said it just increases my chances for this month. Good, now I can stop worrying.

I went to an event for Deaf awareness last nite and got to see one of my teacher's house. It was soooo beautiful. I brought a fruit pizza thankfully it was all eaten, that way it did not have to come back to my house and tempt us to eat it.

Finals are this week and then I will be out of school for a little bit, at least until I have to take precalculus this summer. I am also going to be taking literature, yuck!! It will be nice to have those two classes out of the way tho.

In the 2ww and hoping this is the last one. We had a break down in the Hyvee parking lot a few days ago, my poor husband really misses his babies. Tears were just pouring down his face. It absolutely breaks my heart..

Any Ideas of how to uniquely break the news of being pregnant to your husband?? I need good ideas... for the future.

Positively absolutely...

So I finally got a positive opk... I am really excited because I thought the drugs had screwed everything up... YAY!!!

Went rummage saling again and got a new pair of dress slacks for $1.00, I also got a pregnancy journal for .50... just in case it ever happens, if not, it is not a big loss. It was the journal they sell at Barnes and Noble for $20.00, I like it alot, I always wanted one with Isaiah.

Hoping and praying this is OUR month....

Just waiting....

I went to ZUMBA and found out there is a conference that you can be certified to become a ZUMBA instructor... that would be soooo fun. If I did not look like a sloppy mess, I would totally do it.

One more day of class and then finals are next week and it will all be over with... YAY! Augustana is like being a sanitation worker for a porta-potty company. Everyday stinks and you come home feeling like crap.

I am so thankful my friend Nicki came to ZUMBA with me because it makes me feel like my interests count and are not just a stupid obsession..

The fertility drugs have postponed my ovulation day so I continue to wait for the opks to go positive... hopefully soon so I can continue on with my hope that this could be OUR month.

A rather great day in the neighborhood..

I got a new pair of ZUMBA pants because my other pair fell half way off in the middle of ZUMBA last week.. perfectly embarassing, I am aware..

I also got a new pair of tennis shoes, quite a beautiful thing.

But the biggest news of today was I met my teacher again and got a Journey Necklace that is soooo pretty it is beyond words. I even cried.

I had an overall substantially great day... thanks to my new shoes, a pair of pants that stay on, and a new necklace to top it off..

Wonderful.

Tired of waiting...

I am so sick and tired of watching and waiting for it to be our turn... I say to steve, "why can't we have a family?". He says, "it's not that we can't have a family, it is just taking us ALOT longer."

I think that this whole thing is so rediculously unfair. Perhaps having kids is overrated and we should just throw in the towel. I get so sick of hearing about all of it..it is all people talk about. Nobody talks about life without talking about their kids, pregnancies, and babies. No one talks about health problems, WEIGHT LOSS, hair falling out, clothes not fitting correctly, excess skin that is unattractive, or dresses they always wished they could fit into.. It's all about family. Not for me tho, I have nothing in common.. all I have to talk about is how I was once a lard butt and now I am just straight up nasty.

Ok I am done. Thanks for listening to my rant. I will just crawl back into the hole I just came barreling out of.

Mother's Day.....

What a drag.. from everyone on facebook saying "Happy Mother's Day" to the cashier at the registers in stores saying, "Happy Mother's Day." I just wanna get sick. In fact I did get sick my stomach hurt so bad I thought I was gonna lose my cookies twice (stress related, no doubt). I even had to pull my car over because I was in tears. My dear husband tried to make it better, but who can improve hell?

Last day of the fertility drugs.. yippee.

I woke up and tried on all the new clothes I got from rummage sales and fell in love with my new gouchos... it is kinda neat to be able to buy clothes from a rummage sale..

Hopefully next year we will be looking back at this years mother's day and being saying, "that was just a drop in the bucket." " Look at us now."

4 years old, 2 years old, or 4 months in utero.....

Those are my children. All have gone to be in a better place. And yet I will sit here on mother's day and be empty handed. A black hole in my heart, where my children once remained, empty. I am not going to church. I do not need it rubbed in.

*sigh*

When is it going to be MY turn?

Just one and I will give it up. I would even settle to have back the ones I had... just not alone, not forever.

Another day closer to the finish line...

I went to class and am happy to say, I am one day closer to being done with this lousy semester..

I also went to ZUMBA and after just about losing my pants completely, right there on the dance floor, I decided it was time to buy a smaller pair...

I also went to the firehouse and caught up with some friends I had not seen in over a year and they did not recognize me.. one of them kept hugging me because she could not believe I was that small... that was awkward and yet interesting..

Day 2 of the drugs down three more days to go... I am not particularly fond of them, hopefully this will be the last time we have to take them.

Saw one of my Journey people today and that was amazing.. as usual.. she bought me a salad that had strawberries, grilled chicken, pecans, cherry tomatoes, and blue cheese crumbles with raspberry vinaigrette.... yummy! She also got me a gift that had not been delivered yet and I am soooo curious to find out what it is... What a fantastic woman, mother, and friend!!

Overall the day was a complete success!!

Looking forward to tomorrow...

I have had a different sort of day. I spent some well needed time with my husband. I also went to Hobby Lobby to get some beads for my bracelets that I make to match all of my outfits, ever since I lost this weight I feel sexy and I find it to be fun to be a woman. I think once school is out I am going to make anklets too..

I cannot wait until tomorrow because I am going to meet one of my favorite journey people for lunch!! I am sad that she is moving away though... she will be missed very much :'(

I start the fertility drugs today so we will see what happens, hopefully this is our month.. I am excited to see what lies ahead for us in the future, I just hope it includes a light brown kiddo.

Augustana confuses me.... I stole the baby.... I hugged my father.... ZUMBA!

First thing, I went to ASL class today and did my presentation and I got an 'A'. How am I suppose to give up and drop out with a grade like that?

Second thing, I was leaving the school and saw my father in the parking lot,we talked for a bit so that was nice.... weird.

Third thing someone trusted me with their baby (or i stole it and have conveniently forgotten when). I got to watch Scott and Katie's baby cakes, what a gem. I love that little guy sooo much.

Fourth thing the fertility doc called and asked if I wanted to do fertility drugs this month and see if we can speed this up a bit... haha 6 years is kinda long to wait.

And last but not least I am going to ZUMBA after missing it for a week cuz the instructor was gone and I think her fill in is a nut job....

oh yeah, I now need hairspray to hold down the short hairs on the top of my head from when I lost my hair from the gastric bypass.... well at least it is growing back, alot better than the alternative!!

Well... here it is.

I am sure that most of the people that will be following this blog already know alot about me.. So I will keep it short and as relatively simple as is humanly possible. I have had quite an interesting life. I met my husband in 2004, got pregnant with Bakannnah in 2005, she passed away, got pregnant with Isaiah in 2007, he passed away, got married in 2008, went through 19 months of infertility treatments only to find out I had obesity related infertility and that a family was not in the cards for us unless I lost 120lbs.... So, I had the gastric bypass done in June of 2009. I have officially lost 143 lbs and got pregnant in February with the baby we call snickers.. I then proceeded to have a miscarriage after everything I went through... I am starting this blog to have somewhere to go and vent the day to day things I struggle with from the way the gastric bypass has altered my life to the fact that I am still struggling with fertility issues... so hang on buckle up because the BEST is yet to come....