Clearing the air....

In the past I have posted things on my facebook such as, "I went to Sanford and wanted to trip all the pregnant ladies.."  I did not post them however to come across as a horrible person or even that I would ACTUALLY do it.  I took for granted that my friends on facebook would know me or my situation and would understand that I was just expressing my pain of infertility in a relatively sarcastic manner. That is was a joke.  I am not a selfish person, I have just been through a lot and have a sideways way of expressing my hurt.  I get really angry and upset when I am walking out of a restaurant or store and there is a pregnant lady standing there smoking cigarettes or when I am in the elevator at Sanford and there is a pregnant mother complaining that she is pregnant and how the baby is not the sex they wanted.  I posted sarcastic comments after witnessing such events and knowing that having a child, for us, may never happen.

We looked into many adoption agencies and foster care agencies and after being denied twice and being drug through the mud I posted on facebook that I was excited to tell the foster care agency that we will be taking their classes at a later date due to the fact that we need to focus on THIS VERY HIGH RISK pregnancy right now.  That does not mean sometime in the future after I graduate and buy a bigger home that we will not EVER take in a foster child.  We will and we may also decide to just adopt.

I do not feel like I am selfish for putting this on hold nor making this decision for my family.  I am also not selfish for dreaming of setting up a nursery, feeling my baby kick, having a baby shower, wondering about what my baby will look like, or hoping that my child will have my husbands heart for caring about people instead of his toes and my ability to dance and sing rather than his ability to romp around the room looking like something from the book "Where the Wild Things Are.." 

All of the above are normal dreams and aspirations that any normal woman would have for their child, and if that is selfish than so be it.  At least I am not alone in the world. 

People can either be happy for us and celebrate our miracle or step aside and miss out on the great things that God has in store for the Erickson family because, as far as I can tell, this could turn out nothing short of simply incredible. 

Tears....

I know a lot of my tears are currently caused by the hormones but my long journey is also feeding into the water spickets that use to be known as my eyeballs. 

Cause of Tears # 1
I heard this song on the radio today: Click here to cry

Cause of Tears #2
I watched the video I had made for Sanford and reminisced about how hard it was for us to get here.. The tears hit when I said,"I have a lot of years left with my husband" and ends with "we look forward to our lives together and a family someday.." Click here to see the tears in action

Cause of Tears #3
I got the insurance all squared away for the baby and the lady told me on the phone "I cannot believe this is finally happening for you two.  You are some of the greatest people I know."  


Cause of Tears #4
DSS called and I told them we are holding off on foster care classes for now and we need to focus on this baby first.. No more hoops to jump through!


I Saw God Today, reminisced about how hard my weight loss journey was, cancelled our classes and now all we have to do is look forward to our lives together and a family.....someday.

The truth of the matter is...

I have worked very very hard to get all of this weight off and, now that I have gotten down to 122lbs, I sort of feel more confident.  I have been struggling with what is healthy and what is thin enough and the truth of the matter is, if there is a size on the clothing rack smaller than the one I need that smaller size becomes my new goal. 

What now becomes tricky is that last week we were running on adrenaline and shock at the thought of our new miracle and last night at the store someone came up to me and said, "your not looking as thin as you once were, are you ok?"  Ummmmm, my weight has stayed the same but this comment made my head spin. Do I look fat already? I am extremely worried about undoing all I have accomplished and comments such as those do not aid the situation.  I have been eating well for my baby but does that mean it is all going to go to my butt?

I have always wanted to look as sexy as my Zumba instructor and now I feel like that is NEVER going to happen. I hear people say all the time, "I never was overweight until I got pregnant." 

I just hope this baby is healthy and does not add new fat cells to my buttocks when it should be adding them to its cheeks...

Zumba baby...

I have been going to Zumba despite my recent news and it has occurred to me that hop hop hop = barf barf barf.  However, if I do not hop I think I can go to zumba every other day and possibly pick up a pregnancy exercise class on the opposite days.

My momma in-law and grandma said "ask your doctor about 'Zomba', as they call it, because you do not want to hurt the baby."  I agreed to ask and the doctor said the baby has plenty of cushion and just do not let my heart rate go above 140bpm.

On Friday, as I put my Zumba pants on, I was thanking the good lord that the waist band on Zumba pants is the same stuff they use to make maternity pants... Almost as perfect as my baby!

So I told my gramma and momma in-law that I talked to the baby and we agreed that it will learn to love Zumba almost as much as momma....

How do I say this and the reason I am telling you...

We have gone through a lot and just when I think I cannot keep going God blesses us with something soooooo huge that we ourselves could not have even imagined.  I am telling people so quickly because we need all the prayer we can get and if something was to happen, good or bad, I need a place to go to vent and people to be there for us.  So here I am.

The news is huge and if you want to learn by listening you can click here  and if you want to learn visually you can click here.  Personally I learn better by listening... but hey to each there own.

Enjoy! Heaven knows we are walking on a cloud right now...