Guess what?

My fertility drugs failed AGAIN.. something is SERIOUSLY wrong with us.  It has now been a year of TTC with no success.

I am trying to figure out if I should call the reproductive endocrinologist again or if we should just completely throw in the towel and schedule some plastic surgery and possibly get my tubes tied so this will never be an area of concern again.  I cannot believe this.

I love my life, I love my husband, I love my pets, and I love ZUMBA. Don't get me wrong I am thankful for what I have, on the other hand this part REALLY sucks.

I feel like no one cares, or understands and I am floating through life alone.  My babies are all dead and our chances at ever having kids is pretty much null and void.

How do I accept this? Where can I go to get support? How do I fend off this depression that is lurking and waiting to completely consume me and who I am?

My weird eye disease..

Every so often my iritis acts up and causes me severe pain in one of my eyes, it is never both at the  same time (thank God).  I have now missed two days of class. Hopefully my teachers will not dock me because of my absences.. Although my teachers should not feel like their class is the only thing I missed because I have also missed ZUMBA (which NEVER happens) and I also missed hip hop dance class. Dang it.

I am also extremely exhausted.  Needless to say my poodle is enjoying this. Lily likes to go to bed at 7pm wake up at 12pm and take a nap every hour on the hour for at least 15 minutes.  My exhaustion has been her gain.

Not much else going on in my world.  Just thought I would explain my allergy to my own eye. Weird. I know.

A mishap turned blessing :D

I was getting so frustrated about the car accident but the sexy Dodge Charger has really given me a wake up call... My Buick is sooo nice, it is fully loaded, it likes to turn its own headlights on, the windows are fantastically dark, it has a sunroof, and the seats are much much more comfortable.

Here is the part where this whole accident becomes an EXTREMELY nice blessing.  My wheelchair use to make nicks in the paint when my husband would get it in and out of the trunk, however because I do not use it anymore the nicks in the paint have bothered me for a LONG time.  Because of where the man hit me they had to replace and paint the ENTIRE bumper!!  Which means no more nicks in my paint and I get a fresh start after I have worked so hard to lose all of this weight and ditch the wheelchair.  I am one happy happy lady.

Dear Mr. GuyWhoDoesNotLikeToStopAtRedlights,
          Thank You.
Love,
Breteni Erickson

The Photo Contest and an accident... :/

I should not have even tried to win this because, of course, somebody with their child will win.  Perhaps if my kids were here they could win too. Wait, scratch that, they WOULD win.

In other news, I got into a car accident.  It was not my fault in any way shape or form and I have a feeling the only people to get screwed by the insurance company is going to be us. The guy who hit me has the same insurance company and of course they are going to make this as cheap for themselves as they possibly can.  I am wondering if I should get a separate lawyer?

For those of you who are wondering what we decided to do about the fertility mess this month we completed the drugs (again) and we will see what doesn't happen.

I am thinking about getting a shirt made that says, "I am less than half the woman I use to be.." I think it would be fun and I also think I deserve it.


 

Lateness...and another birthday.

I went off of the fertility drugs for a month and it caused my period to be late.  This is sooooooooooo frustrating because it gives me hope that I may be pregnant.  Well that hope was sucked down the drain when it hit me yesterday like a Mack truck.  Do you know what day yesterday was?  Isaiah's birthday no doubt.

I am so tired. I am sad. I am discouraged.  I am also sick of year after year passing watching everyone else's grow and thrive and be beautiful while mine are dead and there is no hope for us to have that.

Why would God instill motherhood in my heart if he will not allow me to have it? I think it is a cruel joke and he is sitting up there on his thrown and laughing at my misery.  I wish there was two worlds, one for people WITH children and one for people WITHOUT children. If you get pregnant you automatically get thrown into the world WITH children so it does not torture those WITHOUT. 

On a lighter note we picked out our new furniture and it is going to be delivered on friday and the person buying our old furniture is getting theirs on thursday.... We are pretty excited!!

The REALLY lame part of all of this is that furniture buying is exciting because our life sucks.  The lady at the furniture said, "would you guys like the fabric protector just in case your kids spill on it and it does not come out we will replace your furniture?" I broke down in tears and collapsed into Steve's arms in the middle of the furniture store. Steve replied, "we would like the fabric protector for our bird and poodle, thanks.."

I am thankful for my husband, he is such a strong man and he loves me with his whole heart.  He makes me feel special and important when I feel like my body is useless.  He make me feel smart when Augustana kicks my butt and I feel dumb. 

Why does a sap like me deserve such a person to share her life with?!?!?  I have no clue.