Just Making Pancakes

Just Making Pancakes

Tuesday, May 31, 2011

This I know for sure...

You always hear about mothers and how great they are.  But truly all they had to do was make love to their significant other and bam there was a baby.  Not that complicated.  Unless, of course, you are one of the few who struggle like me.  I have met a lot of mothers who did not have to strive to have children, who did not even attempt to conceive, who planned for a child and got one, or simply got one and did not want it.  Mothers cannot be put into the category of greatness just based on status.  I want to discuss the women out there who have fought for their children, who wanted them so badly and yet had to wait or bury them, or never even got a chance to experience any of the above.  The women I am talking about are the ones who are great and their greatness has NOTHING to do with their ability to pro-create or buy children.  I am talking about the Zumba instructor who needs IVF to have a kid.  I am talking about the Deaf interpreter who never got to experience the love of a child in their home, and the dietician who dreams of what it would feel like to be pregnant just once.  I am talking about a group of women who are great even though they are childless.  I want to be one of them.  You never hear of awful people struggling to have children because they can reproduce like rabbits but genuine people who could be the BEST of parents never get the opportunity.  I feel like this part of life should be more fair.

I know, I know, life is not fair but couldn't this part be a smidgeon more equal?

Monday, May 23, 2011

I Believe in Wedding Cake....

When you are young you dream about being a princess and wearing fancy dresses or being superman and flying off tall buildings, but those were not mine.  The one thing I had ALWAYS fantasized about was my wedding cake.  The reason for this is because my grandmother has always made the most beautiful cakes and I wanted one of the big pretty ones all for myself, not to eat but just as a celebration of something about me.  To get to my point I want to talk about my grandmother and her declining health. Over the last year her vision has gotten to the point of needing a cornea transplant and her vision has dwindled to the point of not being able to decorate anymore.  Grandma had accepted this job before the cornea transplant was a necessity and she REALLY wanted this to be her last cake shindig.  What kind of granddaughter would I be to not make that happen for her?

 I made the daisies a few weeks back and I completed the cake this last weekend.  I am not going to lie it was very bittersweet because she needs to retire and I am going to miss going to her house and there being remanence of a wedding cake, that was about to blow a brides mind, spread all over the tables and counters.

      These cakes are not only a major responsibility but when it came down to brass tax my grandmother could not decorate at ALL and I had to do it all by MYSELF.  My blind coach (gramma) was quite a lovely companion but I was concerned I was going to ruin someone's big day by botching the cake.  I would like to share with you a beautiful ending to a career that has shaped my life in more ways than one.  A few splendid memories were when I spent the night at gramma's, as a kid, and I would come back home smelling like cake and the way the grandkids would compete for cake skins (the part of the cake that would rise in the oven and needed to be trimmed so that the cake would lay evenly).  I remember so many days opening up the albums of wedding cakes she had made over the years and going through and picking what I would want on my wedding cake. The thing that remained the same over the years was my desire for a water fountain under the main cake.

My grandmother was an amazing cake decorator and what she has taught me through her cakes has nothing to do with cake itself but rather how important it is to be their for friends and family, give a gift even when it will take all the energy you can muster up, and to always make time to create memories with the people who are important before the opportunity is gone.  Here are a few pics of the fantastic memories we created through the creation of the last cake.  I also posted a pic of my wedding cake so you get a chance to see the fountain that had been dreamt about for years...

I believe in wedding cake...





Monday, May 16, 2011

The greatness of today and a bit of hope...

It is official I have passed my test and am going to be a junior next year!! The test I traveled for was a huge success and I am proud to say I am well on my way..

I have officially decided to look into long term foster care tomorrow and we will see what happens.  In the mean time turn up the volume on your computer because I have a new theme song.

What is a good day without a good song?

Sunday, May 15, 2011

The ER and the doc..

So we end up in the ER because of Steve's migraines (that can cause seizures if not treated) and he is wailing in pain.  I feel so bad but I pack up my books and brought him there to get the help he so desperately needed.  The nurse messed up his IV and he starts balling and I understand cause I have felt that awful pain myself. It shows how much you love someone when you wish you could endure the pain for them even if we have been arguing and upset about the recent garbage that has seemed to pile on our laps.  Anyways, I was studying my history book when the doctor comes in and says, "how is that studying going?" and I reply, "well you know how it goes when you have to be a wife and cram books at the same time."  He then proceeds to say, "You should try being a mother too."  That was then end of that conversation.  Here I was with my mind on my homework and being there for my husband and he has to bring THAT to the forefront of our minds again? Seriously? Can we ever get a break? The doctor left the room and my husband, underneath his towel because the light is killing him, says,"He did not just say that. I cannot FREAKING believe it.  I am so sorry honey. He should try focusing on his job and not worrying about the state of our family."  I then said, "ridiculous."  We then both started to cry AGAIN.

I am running out of tears. Is that even possible? Yes, yes it is, I have done it.

Friday, May 13, 2011

Lateness, sadness, and a big huge test...

I stopped by my grandparents house and noticed my aunt was helping grandpa with his plants so I joined her in replanting them.  After we were finished we were eating dinner and she excitedly told me she was going to be a grandmother and the baby is due around my daughter's birthday.... My heart just sunk.  I know God hates me but I have always thought there was no way he could hate me that much.  Not only to watch everyone else get the desire of my heart but to give my grandparents (who are like my real parents) their first great grandchild around my dead daughters birthday? Really? I am happy for the couple who is getting the blessing, do not get me wrong, but my heart hurts so much I have cried and cried and blown blood vessels under my left eye.  To top it off she told me the day before I have to go take this massive test that decides the fate of me getting into the interpreting program at Augustana.  To take this one step further my period was 4 days late so we thought that we could be pregnant as well, yeah right, I am just getting closer to menopause because my cycles are starting to fade.  I wake up, the morning of this huge test and the day after I get this news, and I get my period and the pain is so intense i am doubled over.  I cannot take meds because of the gastric bypass so I just had to suffer.  So now I am not pregnant, someone in my family is, my kids are dead, my period is horrid, and I have to travel 400 miles to take this HUGE test, and now me and my husband are extremely upset and stuck in the car with each other.

We also found out that we cannot adopt because you are automatically disqualified if you have ever been treated for a mental illness.  We have, obviously, been treated for depression because our other kids died.  So we moved to our new home for no reason.  We have extra rooms and higher bills for nothing.

I have been mad at God since he took my children but now I am almost to the point of not believing that he even exists.  Who would torture their child as much as he is torturing me?  Not a parent who loves them... this I know for sure.

Wednesday, May 4, 2011

Technology and "flat things"......

My grandparents have always listened to Christmas music year-round.  In particular, they like to listen to Leon Redbone that they have on a tape cassette.  When I was ten years old my grandmother and I got into a car accident and the tape (that was not in the deck at the time) flew into the tape player of the car and when the police came to the window this song was playing (click the red link).  At the time, I was soooo embarrassed because it was not Christmas (it was Easter) and this song was blaring loudly from the speakers.  Anyways, my grandparents had to get a new van (2011 Toyota Sienna) a few days ago and it is got so many bells and whistles that it even has a widescreen DVD player, that splits into two screens, that drops down in the backseat. I came over to their house to check it out and I came in the house and there was my grandmother reading this owner's manual to the car with a magnifying glass, that appeared to have been used by Mr. Magoo himself, and she says, "I have a problem."  I said, "oh yeah, what is the problem?" She then replies, "this car won't play my Christmas tape, I think it only has one of those flat things (CD player)."  I said, "you are probably correct we are in the year 2011 and technology has advanced."  Then my grandmother says, " oh well, I am not happy there has got to be a tape player in this thing, I will just keep reading."  I said, "Grandma, you can read that book until you are blue in the face and a tape deck will not appear."  I was breaking my ribs trying not laugh.  She was seriously concerned about her ability to listen to this Christmas tape.  There is approximately $30,000 dollars of fantastic technology sitting in their driveway never going to get to be used.  I will forever call CDs 'flat things' from this day forward..

Could it really get any better than this?