I go to ZUMBA knowing that it is the only place I can get away from the fertility world. No one has kids, no one is pregnant, no one talks about kids, we just dance. I LOVE to dance. I go there knowing I am safe from all of this pain of infertility and death of my children. However, on Bakannah's 5th birthday, I find out my Zumba instructor is pregnant and has to have another trainer fill in for her when her heart rate goes too high.
God's hate for me was proven tonight. He is up there watching me suffer. He probably is not even holding my children anymore because he is laughing soooo hard. I thought that I had one place where I can find enjoyment and now that has been sucked down the drain. I get to watch EVERYONE have my dream while my only chances are laying 6 feet under the ground.
I am writing this and crying at the same time. I have no one to hold me in my pain that can understand how bad this hurts. I pulled my car over because I was crying so hard that I could not breath or see the road through my tears.
How do I keep going when everyday is harder than the last and my faith is dwindling? I wish Jesus would take me so I can be with my babies. This world has nothing for me.
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