I stopped by my grandparents house and noticed my aunt was helping grandpa with his plants so I joined her in replanting them. After we were finished we were eating dinner and she excitedly told me she was going to be a grandmother and the baby is due around my daughter's birthday.... My heart just sunk. I know God hates me but I have always thought there was no way he could hate me that much. Not only to watch everyone else get the desire of my heart but to give my grandparents (who are like my real parents) their first great grandchild around my dead daughters birthday? Really? I am happy for the couple who is getting the blessing, do not get me wrong, but my heart hurts so much I have cried and cried and blown blood vessels under my left eye. To top it off she told me the day before I have to go take this massive test that decides the fate of me getting into the interpreting program at Augustana. To take this one step further my period was 4 days late so we thought that we could be pregnant as well, yeah right, I am just getting closer to menopause because my cycles are starting to fade. I wake up, the morning of this huge test and the day after I get this news, and I get my period and the pain is so intense i am doubled over. I cannot take meds because of the gastric bypass so I just had to suffer. So now I am not pregnant, someone in my family is, my kids are dead, my period is horrid, and I have to travel 400 miles to take this HUGE test, and now me and my husband are extremely upset and stuck in the car with each other.
We also found out that we cannot adopt because you are automatically disqualified if you have ever been treated for a mental illness. We have, obviously, been treated for depression because our other kids died. So we moved to our new home for no reason. We have extra rooms and higher bills for nothing.
I have been mad at God since he took my children but now I am almost to the point of not believing that he even exists. Who would torture their child as much as he is torturing me? Not a parent who loves them... this I know for sure.
1 comment:
God could have easily seen you struggling in your sin, said "you know, she brought this on herself", and kicked back and enjoyed eternity with his Son. But that would have meant an eternity without you there. So instead, he sent his only child here to be mocked, tortured, and eventually killed, because he couldn't stand the idea of losing you to your own mistakes. So every time you've ever screwed up, every time you've ever disrespected him, every time you've ever done anything you regret is GONE. And you can spit in his face and say that he hates you as many times as you want, and he will keep right on loving and forgiving you, because that's who he is. He's a big God. He can take it. But it will make you absolutely miserable, because that's what bitterness does. Every time. And that's not God's fault.
-Katie
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